From nudes to skin tones, to skin talks

Today, I sat in a talk which I thought would influence, inspire or entice me to like my supposed career path.

Here we go...

So, as I sit trying to catch my breath as quietly and as subtly as I could, the speaker is sat on the stage with a lecturer from my university in a Newsnight fashion.

At first, I heard “being the only Asian at that time,” he instantly got my attention.

He talked a lot, the questions formed by the lecturer were shit to be honest, “who was your favourite lecturer?” for example, what a time waste. If this was 20 years back is that question still relevant now? No.

I looked around, there was a mix of males and females from all backgrounds listening in to what this talk entailed. Not going to lie, I was waiting for one question. And that one question was brought up at about 13.37 when I was just about to check my notifications on Facebook.

I threw my phone into my bag.

“So I mean, erm so like would you say that the posh Asian girl who went to posh schools and received proper education is more likely to get to where you are at now, I mean working for the BBC etc…” and he went off on a dry ending as he adjusted his choking belt around his pregnant belly.

Hold up though.

“Posh Asian girl?” 

Who’s that pls?.

My neck twitched. My curls now stuck to my lip gloss.

I thought to myself…

Is this dick for real? I’m no toff, but I’m no scrounger either. But wow, that was a big dose of “fuck you”. Number one, what the hell is “proper education”, and two I ain’t from no posh school. So suck on my dick when I sit here knowing fully well I worked my arse to get to where I am, through cultural and religious barriers. Not a silver spoon stuck up my arse and Dr Khan as my dad. I want no medal, but that was insensitive and benefited no one in the room, instead he embarrassed his toff ass and grew pink in his porky cheeks.

“So how did you feel being brown, I mean is that why you got into the positions you did...?”

Lol, “feel being brown” ??  Like it’s a symptom of God’s mishap.

“It’s not about skin colour, it’s about the cultural and social background that you come from.”

I became nostalgic of that one time (in band camp) in year 10, I was pulled into an empty room and was sat at a table of Asian girls, and this one line shrieked in my right ear “don’t end up cooking chapati, we want to see you girls in uni!!” as I sat with sweaty palms and a throat full of phlegm ready to spit at this ethnic representative authority figure.

So I guess now I class as a brown face in university, and perhaps ten years down the line I’ll be asked the exact same question about “feeling brown”. Lol

Back to this talk.

The guy went on to say how he was someone who no one had come across before, he was new something fresh. All because he was a Muslim Asian male, full of ideas to make these controversial, religiously touching and political documentaries.

Okay. I can do that without having a dick.

My conscience spoke to me.

“If you’re from a background where you know you won’t get any help, it’s better to recognise that as early as possible, it’s very important.” 

Okay... 

“If you know you’re from an immigrant background, back then no one gave a shit what you thought about."

Right...

“If you are from a certain social status, or class then you immediately fall into the trap of being disadvantaged in the world of work.”

Yes I fucking get it!

I know the reality but can you give me something to take away from this please?!

Where’s my motivation? 

(Plays Motivation by Kelly Rowland.)

What I wanted to ask before his ass left the auditorium was, “where the fuck do I fit into this?”

I'm an Asian female! Does that mean I can tick a professional’s boxes like he did?

Am I supposed to seek creativity through “keep doing what I'm doing?” cos what the fuck does that mean any more?

“The degree didn't even help me where I am now, it was taking every work experience I could.”

Someone take me!!!

You know what? It fucking sucks having all the passion but no one to push you further. No Asian female that has actually made me go “woah shit, if she can do it then so can I!” Instead I'm seeing Riz Lateef presenting the news looking pretty and Mishal Hussain talking to Syrian political figures. They are symbols of success but…. I don’t see them for who they are, I'm blinded by their BBC microphones for crying out loud!

Instead, I'm behind the bars of higher education, work experience: work for other people so that I can gain a few more bullet points under the “skills” subheading on my CV.

“The BBC employs 12.4% (BAME) staff.” That stands for Black and Asian Ethnic minority people btw.

So you tell me, whether that’s deflating or motivating?

I need my bed. Where’s bae at?

*Realises there isn't one, eats cold pizza and sways to Isaiah Rashid.*

I have to eat curry because I'm brown

So I stand at my stall at an "all white" fair, with the exception of the stand on our left which polluted the air with samosas and salad. I'm cold, wet and shivering. Three feelings which come under neglect.

I stare at my table which looks like something out of 'My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding' I sigh at how I can't afford the maroon bag with embossed snake print because it's £4.99 and I only have three sorry pounds in my pocket.
I sold nothing. Minutes, hours went by and all I could think of was the samosas. They smelt like my aunts at Eid, but the association didn't put me off at all. We set up at 10am and now it's 12.45pm. Fuck it. I wanted tea. Yes. Best believe coffee has been eliminated from my diet because...I can't think of a reason but I'll get to it one day. So...I politely ask my colleagues and off I went. It was like God blessed me with the ice bucket challenge as soon as I left the stall. Soaking. Drenched. I now stood outside the burger bar. Two fat white men were "busy" assembling a burger for the old lady in front of me. I stood for three long minutes until I was noticed.
"Hello!"
"Hello, two teas please!"
"Two Teas!" and he poured hot water into two cups.
"We sell tea to everyone you know! Everyone."
Now hol' up. What?! Why is he saying that?
"Yeah...I know" I replied.
"I mean, everyone!"
I wanted to sandwich his dick in the grill.
The white old lady smiled to reveal her dentures and her side man smiled too.
"How much change would you like?"
Right he's testing me, brave.
"Well, considering one cup of tea is 60p, lets double that to make it £1.20, so £5- £1.20"
"Yeah, go on then" grinning.
Why the fuck is he smiling?
"£3.80"
His fat friend in the van laughs and drops his spatula.
Ben Dover for your man, prick.
"Thanks have a good day!" and I walked away with my tea+rain.

Next.

I'm stood behind my stall again. Waiting for customers to buy something again. My boots are wet and my feet are wet again. I can smell the waft of my aunt again.

"I'm SO hungry!" I moaned.
"So, what's it you eat then?"
"What?"
"I mean like, do you just eat curry and stuff?
Did I wake up to the year 1971?
"I like all cuisines, what makes you say that?"
"Well, you know you look like you really want a samosa so I thought..."
Wow
I smiled and replied "I enjoy every cuisine as much as you love your mum's bangers and mash."
He didn't know what to say so he shut his dumb-fuck mouth and continued to stare at his thumbs.

Now look. I'm not saying I want to create a jihad with people who aren't my skin colour. No. What I'm saying is, racism isn't as obvious anymore. It's not even religious discrimination. It's undermining the intelligence of someone who clearly looks different to you and the fuck load of ignorance that comes with it. I don't have to comment on these circumstances, but I think it's only right to confront this treatment. It's not the worst, but you have to let people know wagwarn.

I came across the mayor of Milton Keynes. A brown face. I wanted to shake his hand (whether that's religiously correct or not). He's Asian and he gave me the nod which equated to "respect".

I looked around and thought to myself about the lack of brown faces amongst the crowd. I feel sad that I am stood with stereotypical comments attacking me from left and right. I feel sad that my community is immersed in the regime of prayer, mute women and patriarchal men. What the fuck. Community only gets stronger once you let people understand you and it's sad that my family (community) aren't like that at all. I'm confined in my parent's culture where they state someones skin colour before their name and that isn't right either. I don't feel social solidarity at all. It's still fractured and it's because of this shitty little prejudice people contain inside them. 

And on that note, I just won 1-0 against India on Fifa. I was Côte d’Ivoire, big up my main man Yaya Toure.

I just had to get this Ted Baker coat

Arriva Bus- 02.42pm:

So as I arrived at the bus stop there was a man eating a chicken and bacon sandwich, he asked me what the time was and I said 2.13, the bus was due in just over 10 minutes.

Great having to share breathing space with a man who likes to eat when he talks and cough without covering his mouth. Then I started doing my usual analyzing of my surroundings..I predicted a school boy would get off the bus stop opposite me and then take a trip to the chicken shop..and I was right, I smiled at my own little success. Anyway as I stared down the road, every single vehicle in the world approached.. a helicopter flew over even a JCB truck, but no bus. I then realized I was sighing every two minutes, no wonder the man kept staring at me. I am in the juggernaught of a bus right now, it is trembling my brain cells and I hope I have enough to last me hopping today. I need to find a black Parker coat with a fur hood, you have no idea how hard that is. I await a text from mevish as I was running so late. Was supposed to make CMK for half 2 and it is utterly half two. Oh dear, the curse of colour people time has got to me. The girl sat in front of me is wearing exactly what i need but hers is a chav version as I can smell Charlie Red and her roots are dyed red. Just checked whether I was sat in the disabled seats, I always have a habit of doing that, I don't intend to, I just feel like I need medical advice sometimes. Hahah how can I say that? Okay I am thirsty my throat is dry with tobacco residue that was dancing in the bus shelter. Yep just went past Maria's Fish Bar, nearly there, hopefully it shall be a blessed day. I just spotted a woman with reflective pink trainers. Okay now I pray hard that it's a good day. 

Home- 09.48pm: it was a good day!