4i, the North London Rich Soul Rapper

Getting lost in Kings Cross station isn't funny… because whether you say ‘take a left’ or ‘take a right’ you're benefiting no one but your Walkometer.

I’m stood outside Costa. A man plays the piano providing an element of tranquillity as the cleaners chase people, who were ignorantly walking over the freshly mopped floor. A Michael Kors bag whacks my breasts as I try to peer over the crowds of people, in search for a dreadlock pineapple.

Well, after several phone calls, we came to realise that we were BOTH lost. It was like an unintentional game of hide and seek but I eventually met 4i. I arrived with that glamorous natural hair-blowing-in-the-wind and something-in-my-eye-but-I'll-keep-smiling look, but he was really cool about it and so we proceeded to sit in a nearby Starbucks.

Hot coffee air, walls covered in coffee bean timelines, people hypnotized by their screens and then there was us engaging in a conversation deeper than Starbuck’s pockets.

Yes, he goes by “4i”. Dominic began to laugh upon reflection of his past regretful tag-names. A North London rapper, who refuses to confine himself in a specific genre, as his music shuffles from poetry to Soul, sometimes dipping into Drum and Base but is also influenced by Reggae rhythms and Hip-hop. His recent mixtape “Soul Rich” dropped in December 2014 and was launched through his Paradime Collective, a group of equally artistic talented minds that helped to celebrate Dominic’s body of work.

But, it’s 4i’s music videos that put the rapper’s journey into context. From the very first video “Headhunters” when his hair was in the brushed-out pony tail stage, the lyrics speak on the grind as he reflects on his pride, which is visually depicted in a rush of time-lapses, showing Barnet crowds, his gym flow and a few faces from the Paradime crew. Now, “Soul Rich” includes ear pricking vocals and optimism but lyrics that relate, delivering his progression as an artist and the professionalism of his team.

I’ve done a bit of working in my life and my soul just tells me: ‘that is not where you were supposed to be.'

Did this stem from school do you think?

I wasn’t so anti-system it was more like ‘why?’ Like one plus one equals two…why? Do you know what I mean? ‘Oh cos that plus sign means you’ve got to add it together’…but WHY?

I was always that guy, it just didn’t make sense to me, but obviously that led me to getting into trouble d’d’d’d’duh, before you know it I was that little rebel at school.

Not even a whole minute went by and I had already dived into the ocean of 4i’s philosophical brain waves.  

How did it all start then?

The story of how I wrote my first verse…I was going through my dad’s CD collection…I don’t know if you know of KRS-One? 90’s Bronx, its proper old school! I heard one track called ‘Criminal Minded’ I must have been 13, 14 at that time… I was like ‘this just sounds so sick.’ And then literally from there, I began chopping up a beat, then wrote my first verse and that’s just how it started.

Your lyricism reminds me of Akala, obviously it’s not that political, but it’s that intelligent…

I was actually at a show with him the other day.

Whaaat, really?

Yeah, he’s a sick performer. But, no it’s funny you say that cos I’m tryna’ find that balance to make music where people can vibe to it, move to it, but there’s still some substance there as well. I feel Akala is very political, he really wants to put a message across and there’s nothing wrong with that, I really rate people who do that cos we need that.

So how did you go from writing your first verse to becoming 4i?

I was sat at the back of the bus and I was writing down notes on my phone and I just came across 4i, like the number four with the letter I, it looked really cool…Something just resonated. Basically like, the number four in numerology has real characteristics that represent me as a person and I was like ‘that sounds like me, that genuinely sounds like me!’ And the ‘I’ is that level of being aware of everything around you, and I’ve got like a little phrase which basically goes ‘4 is the vibe and I is the vision.’

Not going to lie, when I googled ‘4i’ I couldn’t find much, why is that?

It’s just part of the growth of an independent artist. You gotta’ do everything yourself, I’ve been kind of on-the-low doing my thing, but now we’re really pushing. Before it was the case of finding the music, finding ourselves. But, you’ve definitely found me at a very early time.

Are you into spoken word as well?

In certain songs … I’ll listen to and I’ll be like ‘hmmm, you can’t put a hook here, you can’t really go hard with the bars here, what can you put here? Ah let’s open it up to some spoken word.’ ... it makes you realise what you are ACTUALLY saying, cos lots of people rap in front of a beat, but you take away those beats. People get to hear what the lyrics are about and the substance and the concept rather than just the music and someone bopping their head to it.

I listened to “One Song Away” and you mention using a YouTube beat….

Ah, yeah! Give me a second, I have to remember this! Errr…’You hear this beat I didn’t even lease it, downloaded it off YouTube cos that’s what you do when producers give you stupid quotes like ‘who are you though?’ can’t you see I’m numero uno’ yeah yeah!...

How did you progress from a YouTube beat in ‘One Song Away’ to ‘Soul Rich’?

Shout out to DA, like a really close friend of mine, he does all the production. And it works so well with where my mind is at, where I’m trying to go with my music. That’s why I act funny working with any other producer because I’ve created such a chemistry…they don’t have that spark of inspiration and creativity.

I’m working within a team of close friends, it’s called ‘Paradime.’ So we’ve got my brother Karl who does production, design, he’s also an actor as well, we have DA who does producing, there’s a rapper called Patch he’s about to drop his Pirate E.P that’s coming out, we have Xon who does all the video-graphing, Jonathan again, cameras, editing… Shout out to the whole team. Bobby, Levi, who else is there man?

If it was possible… Dominic would be combing through his dreads to find every single person he’s missed off the list.

A woman’s hand, thick with dead skin, poverty and hopelessness waved around in front of us.

“Sorry, I’m just tryna’ get enough for a coffee,” she said as she revealed her unkempt teeth.

“Nah I haven’t got anything sorry.”

And she left in time to ask a business man who was busy brushing his shoulder off. (No Jay-Z). 

...Erm, why do I feel like I’ve missed someone so important from the team? We want to be the pioneers of our field together.

What’s the one song, which you’ve written that really hit you?

The one that I had a real connection with is ‘Live to Love’ which is the last one because I think it’s so relevant for our time right now. Like just scrap the skill, scrap the metaphors, scrap everything just listen to the message, you know what I mean. That really came from a pure place. But yeah, they all come from an honest place!

Why are your lyrics so clean?

I was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness, so swearing was already forbidden in my household and as a child if I swore that was like…the wooden spoon would come straight out you know.

It’s incredibly degrading. I’ve come across more women hence why I don’t really talk about hoes. Because I’ve never really experienced that sort of element of a woman, well I have but…

And on the n word, for me it’s the history of where it comes from. As much as people like to sugar coat it and say ‘we’ve changed it now’, it’s really not cool.

What’s ‘Deep Space’ about?

When you’re in a relationship there’s this constant ‘ah what you doing?’, ‘come see me’ and there’s times where it’s just like ah you just wanna’ be by yourself. It was inspired by a true experience and I wasn’t even with the person, that’s what killed it. I was just like *kmt* I’m just not on it man, ‘I’m in deep space right now and I’ll get at you when I can.’ I think it’s something that everyone experiences it, everyone talks about it but I’ve never heard it in a song before.

What are some U.K artists that inspire you?

I don’t really listen to U.K artists.

Why?

I have no real reason. I listen to a lot of music from the U.S and I listen to a lot of Reggae. I mean I think who really inspires me right now is Wretch 32, I’m a big fan of Wretch 32 and have been for years.

Why does he stand out?

I feel that there’s loads of lyricists in the UK but few of them who are making moves right now… he’s one of the very few artists that I’d love to work with. I definitely don’t listen to UK rap apart from Wretch 32, nah like all this trap stuff nah not for me.

I stay away from this ‘UK scene’ I feel there’s so much pollution within it. There’s a lot of talent but there’s a lot of monsters as well…just dead music, rappers rapping the same words, the same flows on the same deep voices…

What about female artists?

I don’t know how to pronounce her name, it’s like scissor or…S, Z, A? She is dope. Her sound is wicked! There’s another artists who I’ve been listening to her a lot, it’s Rapsody, she’s from the states and she’s got a dope flow.

Have you ever diverted?

From, music? Nah. Music is in me. I can’t run away from music like I can’t run away from my hands. There have been times, where I’ve thought ‘is the music industry, like what comes with it, is that what I wanna do?’ Nah, I’ve never thought twice, if I blow up or if I don’t blow up.

Who inspires you, musically?

I mean, I’m a big fan of Kendrick Lamar cos I just think what he’s able to do with his music, the concepts that he puts forward, it just sounds so sick. The things he talks about, it’s just so relevant. J. Cole is another artist that I’m a big fan of.

Artists like Lauryn Hill, The Fugees, big fan of Bob Marley, Tu-Pac, Nas, KRS-One. I think Common is sick his album ‘The Dreamer, The Believer’ is one of the best Hip-hop albums, no one really spoke about it but when I heard it I was like ‘Oh my days!!!’ Easily one of my best Hip-hop albums, alongside Illmatic, alongside ‘good Kid M.A.A.D City.’

What have you been up to?

I want to create visuals for 80% 70% of the tape. I put a freestyle out in January. Performing wherever I can. Just as an individual artist, you gotta’ be your own everything you know. I got a few shows lined up coming up to summer and it’s just staying active. 

Me and DA got two projects already; they are there it’s just a matter of timing.

Do you make time to write?

I do make time to write…Sometimes, I’ll sit down to write, I’ll have my pad and my pen and I’ll be playing beats, like three hours of them and I haven’t written anything so…I try to make it a natural process rather than too much thought behind it, I just let it come out.

Did you watch the Grammy awards?

No I didn’t watch them.

Have you seen any award shows recently?

I don’t… watch TV.

Well there’s a debate about the under representation of POC in recent award shows, what’s your view on that?

This is very complex, it’s quite deep. I mean …Why do you feel that you need that, in order for you to feel like your work has been appreciated?

There’s a lot of discrimination involved, I don’t know the ins and outs, but these events are predominantly white events founders, chairman’s you know. So, it doesn’t surprise me at all.

You’ve got all these people now like ‘ahhh how can Macklemore beat Kendrick?!’ I completely agree. But ask them if they ever bought Kendrick’s album? The people who run this, they don’t care who’s a better rapper, they care about statistics… And that’s all they can look at because they’re so disconnected with what’s current right now.

There’s so much, corruption, deception and lies that people drive themselves mad to find the truth.

So how do you find gratification in music?

I had this girl from Botswana who messaged me saying ‘ah you’re music is so great for us, it means so much to us!’ For me, that’s like *dusts hands* job done. Some guy from America…was like, ‘Soul Rich,’ it made every day so much easier for him. And, yeah man that’s SO much more important than some piece of material they’ve put together and carved your name into, you know?

Are you a spiritual person?

It’s very personal, it’s just for ‘you.’ But, it’s funny cos I was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness when I was younger. My parents are still Jehovah’s Witness now and me, I’ve kind of gone on my own little journey. Just being like, okay that’s one molecule of the bigger picture, let me go out there and explore for myself and see what else is out there. And that’s the journey I’m on right now.

Why did you choose to grow dreads?

What dreads represent to me, is honesty its truth, it stands for….I don’t wanna say ‘individuality’ but it says so much about a person in terms of patience that someone will have in order to grow dreadlocks. When Samson’s hair was cut off he lost his strength, it took away his manhood and dreads are associated with lions, being strong being fierce but at the same time protecting your family. Hence why I thought ‘let me get them,’ once you lock them up *kisses his teeth* I don’t have to touch them.

Where do you see yourself in the near future?

…in my mind I don’t know where I’ll be. Where I would like to be in the future, is touring the world with my music.

How do you escape from music?

Gym. Back in the day I used to run for Great Britain, a couple of times. What it was, I kind of got a bit injured then lost motivation, desire. I wanted to do some natural body building as well, we’ll see where that goes…  when I kinda re-evaluate myself I must sound so boring, cos I don’t watch TV, I don’t like fashion, I’m just so like…oooh *face palms his sentences in the air* stay away from all that stuff.

So do you not listen to the news?

Nahh.

Do you not think it’s important?

I believe ‘news’ is important, I don’t believe what we’re being fed is true. I do watch news, but it’s from outside sources …There’s no “okay we have this crisis people, these are our alternatives of what we can do, these are our solutions d-d-d-d-duh this is the problem, and this is what the government is going to … a lot of it is negative so it has a subconscious effect on people and they’re not realising it.

Do you vote?

No.

Why?

Because, I don’t believe that you can change this world by putting someone’s name in a ballet. It doesn’t make any sense to me. They never stick to their word, and there’s a saying…they’re like 

‘different sheets on the same bum.’

But some people truly believe that your vote does count…

If you look at politics throughout history, there’s always been an agenda already set. Its making people think there is a democracy but there isn’t. Well, I don’t believe there is. It’s divide and conquer, going back to Alexander the Great, they divide you through religion, class, whatever it may be cos it’s easier to control. They know that when people come together they are powerless.

What was it like when you met Justin Timberlake?

Ah you saw that! Yeah, that was surreal man. Okay, not surreal but VERY real.

What were you talking about?

…one of his managers came out and we were just talking about music and I told him I’m an artist as well. And he went ‘yo, spit some bars man’ and I rapped some bars and then he goes ‘I need to get JT out here’ then Justin Timberlake came out… he was like ‘yo man, waddup?’ We were just talking about music and like being at that level where, where else is there to go? He’s just one of the best musicians in our era, in terms of dancing and music…he’s so so talented.

Do you think there’ll be a time where you’ll be rewarded financially with your music?

I want to be able to live off my music. Where I want to wake up, go to the studio and know I’m being paid for it, you know and provide for people around me. I also want to open up schools and colleges and youth clubs, I’d love that.

Two hours with 4i provided a spectacle of a spiritual and intellectual reality of the inquisitive rapper who lies behind the Paradime masquerade.

What do you fear?

"The one thing that I fear is going deep in water cos that’s when I would feel completely powerless, water have never been on my good side, on top of that you got BEASTS! But then there’s the beauty of it. If you knew everything, what you living for? It keeps me searching."

If you're into lyrical orgasms too, check him out!!!

YouTube: 4iofficial

SoundCloud: 4ioffical

Twitter: @4ioffical

Spandex, Wigs and Fishnets

That’s right. Let’s talk drag.

The quiet Saturday nigh-in didn’t happen, instead I went clubbing to explore the antics of gay clubbing and dress up drag!

It’s unclear when drag was introduced in Britain. But definitely after the war, the clubbing culture soared as drinking and music became more accessible. The term ‘drag’ refers to clothing and drag queen means, usually a man, who impersonates a woman. It’s not just about dressing up in dresses and wearing lip stick. There’s something beneath the escapade of glamour and glitter that sparked my curiosity. So as I always do, I went exploring!!!

With a Tequila hum and lemon smacking lips I danced before latex super heroes, dominatrix princesses and a lady in a white meringue dress shouting “I am a Christmas tree!”

Seductive eye contact was exchanged between two women in cat suits as I walked over to the beer frothed bar. The ceiling cluttered with pulsating strobe lights. The DJ mixed his tracks overlooking the crowds of spirits, sweat and saliva. Rihanna ‘Pour it up’ invited some to slut drop, whilst others focused on mastering how not to spill their drink and twerk at the same time. I felt like a stiff pole in comparison to the flamboyant choreography around me. 

I began to observe trends and patterns. 

Before I got too jealous over some woman’s buoyant curls it took me a few seconds to realise it was a wig. Wigs galore, from brunette waves to sleek blonde 24 inch pony tails. Crowd surfing champagne bottles highlighted the faces of theatrical make-up.  But as I lost count of false lashes and lace fronts I began to question... there must be more to this performance right? It’s deeper than what I'm seeing before my eyes, surely?

I was being hugged by strangers and a fat reality check slapped me across my face. How the fuck am I meant to question someone about their life choice? Regardless of whether this was me researching or quenching my curiosity....nah it didn't feel right.

“I’m not exactly a girly-girl, who would have guessed?”

Failure is and was never my best friend. So...with time, I resorted to desk research.

mygendercatharsis.blogspot.co.uk. got me hooked. 

Her blog is used as a platform to express her feelings, I continued to investigate.  Her friendly tone was comforting and so she told me more about what it's like to be a ‘part time girl’.

“I was struggling with depression which was caused in part by the fact I was struggling with my gender identity. I wasn’t out to anyone, and I was feeling trapped.

“Well of course my girlfriend is someone I really love! When I came out to her 9 years ago I wasn’t expecting our relationship to survive but here we are, still going strong! :) I don’t really have any celebrity crushes, but, I do love celebrities who use their image/status to try and change things in the world. Emma Watson’s recent stand for feminism comes to mind, she is an amazing individual, and too cute too!”

I didn’t expect her to mention anything about feminism. Being accepted as a woman in society is one thing, yet after reading this, it fascinated me that she has adopted what it’s like to be a woman politically as well as emotionally.

I was curious to understand her perspective on drag queen culture.

“Well this is the thing, and you’re probably not going to like me for it, but I don’t like the majority of drag queens. The impression I get is that the majority seem to be larger than life caricatures of femininity, rather than a homage of it. They reinforce stereotypes of trans-women being easy targets for amusement and harassment.”

See, from my clubbing experience it is captivating to know that clubbing isn’t the be all and end all. It’s just a leisure pattern that celebrates drag queen culture.

I was itching to get her thoughts on religion.

“What I have a problem with is religious extremists from every religion, people who try and force their view of how their religious text say you should live your life on people who do not believe. Or those who channel such a large amount of hatred to minorities (like me) in the name of their god.” 

How can we change this? Although the drag queen culture and gay clubbing culture is celebrated and advertised in British society, isn't it an issue that discrimination still exists?

“It would be nice just to be accepted at face value as the gender I present as. If I'm dressed as a woman, treat me like one. No glances, stares, "is that a man?" comments behind me, shouts across the room, fear of using toilets, or so on. We do no harm. A lot of people do accept us, but there is a minority that makes things difficult.”

The reality is, discussing the Transgender community is a taboo subject. Even after absorbing more about her I will never understand what it’s truly like. I went into a restaurant yesterday and my waiter had better contouring than Kim K. Could I compliment his HD brows? Would that be offensive? It’s simply an ongoing controversy. Will this change for the better? We can only hope.

“I think strong women are greater role models for women of all ages. I don’t know many superheroes but I would probably be Jean Grey from the X-Men.”

There was ‘Too Many Man’

On the 21st of November...2014.

Stairs lead me underground to a dungeon of bucket hats, Adidas and hoodie strings.

No way did I just enter a venue for free, and I’m about to see big Grime artists before my eyes?! All I knew is that my shoes were going to get ruined!

Why did I choose to stand right at the front? The stage displayed three microphone stands, the floor clothed in a mustard Turkish rug. Thick black leads followed to the DJ’s station and my ear drums were not safe. Gigantic 10ft speakers stood on either side of the stage blasting garage beats that you’re hypnotised to bop your head.

Groups of people dressed in all fashions, the Asap Rocky’s stood next to the School Boy Q’s and ironically this wasn’t a hip hop event at all. I started to notice the air was getting heavier with a trace of sweat and weed. Yes, weed.

I was at a Grime Karaoke event.

You wouldn't put those two words together would you? Yeah, neither would I. To clarify, random people put their names down to rap along to a Grime song of their choice. The first group of three girls were so intoxicated that they lasted three minutes on stage and couldn't find their fourth friend. 

The next act was someone who goes by ‘Penguin’. Fluently rapped to every word, the crowd went ballistic! I am dreading to see myself in any photography as I was starting to lose my balance.

People started filming, pushing, shoving, shouting, screaming. This is when it hit me that standing at the front was the worst decision I could make. My ear was glued to the pulsing speaker. My chest was possessed by this monotonous beat.

Why, you ask? Well, because an artist called Ghetts parted the crowd like Moses and took the stage. 

Wearing a black, bear mink scarf with a leather jacket, a leopard print snap back on backwards and navy Nike trainers. It was definitely his definition of swag.

Outside I walked into the newsagents and bought a ten pack of Marlboro Red just so I could walk past his Mercedes (his friend’s Mercedes).

(Yes, that's me checking out his legit mink "sweg")

As I approached him I began to chat about Grime on a level. He smiled showing perfect teeth and put his hands into the right pocket of his jeans; he folded his arms to listen.

“There’s this kid called Wiley, basically he tried his thing at jungle, garage, they never liked him much, they tried push him out because his sound was a little different.”

“You will never be able to understand the present unless you know the history of grime, so when you get home look at things like Crazy Titch, Escobar, Kano when he first started.”

Grime is sourced at home, its authenticity stems from the struggle and conveys the true meaning behind a particular lifestyle. It raised a new platform to talk about the reality of what was happening in that present time.

“The area was changing. More stabbings were happening, people were getting robbed and the music kinda reflected that. It breeded a new type of MC to talk about the reality of what was going on, instead of just talking about “Ollie Ollie Ollie”.”

Perhaps the genre of Grime will continue as a niche and avoid the mainstream chart music but it’s evident that this year it had gained commercial recognition.

“Recently, for me this year has been the most successful, MOBO, BET awards, tours sold out.”

“I dislike that there’s lots of culture vultures that don’t really know much about the scene- f*** all of them.”

He made a habit of looking left and adjusting his black mink scarf. He checked his I-phone 6 then shook his head after realising I’m still there.

“When I die no one cares about chart cred, they’ll care about what I done for the genre.”

"What’s your advice for future grime artists?"

After a momentary pause with police sirens blaring in the background, he answered…

“Don’t send for me.”

On the road to freedom

It isn't everyday nag, sigh and give up with my mother and I. In fact today I feel extremely proud of her and I shall explain why.

Perhaps patriarchy doesn't play a huge part in modern families in Britain. But, it exists. With consideration to traditional home values in our South Asian culture it's twisting and  turning every so slightly in Britain. Western ideas have indeed awoken new paths for women such as, working, breaking the breadwinner stereotype and smashing the glass ceiling and thriving from factors like education. Women like Nawal El Saadawi and Monica Ali exist, but I want to focus on a woman that I am very much connected to. 

And here I turn to my mother. She flew to the UK at 14 with no understanding of the English language let alone the Western dress code.

Tailoring is also one of her passions and here she is stood at the age of 20, representing 70's print with her brother.

My granddad, her father, migrated to West Ham to work and earn to give back to his family in Pakistan. But, he later thought it was wise to introduce his family to Britain and arranged for them to move here; this was convenient financially and socially. My grandfather, an orphan, wanted to make a change. He built a mosque himself and decided to travel the world. From Germany, Switzerland, Holland, France, Spain, Ghana, America, India, Saudi Arabia, Bangladesh and of course Pakistan. 

Back to my mother. She dropped out of education at the age of 16, cared for my Nan at home whilst her two brothers worked and earned money alongside my granddad. Then she got married and 5 years later, me, I, yes the one and only was born.

Leave me alone. Clearly I stuck to my individualism from a very young age. 

The first four years of my life consisted of wearing dungarees, watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and learning how to say "Michael Schumacher" without stuttering. 

After having four more siblings, life became hectic and family came first no matter what for my mother.

"What did you want to be when you were older?"

"I dreamed of becoming a doctor ever since I can remember. But y'know..." she laughed "life happened."

I love hearing that sentence, I know it didn't happen but it's the dream that brings a silly smile on my face.

Why I'm proud of her? 

Well...I love seeing her doing something for herself. She's so selfless it sometimes breaks my heart to think she doesn't have any leisure time! But when she does...it brings me so much joy! Like, seeing her drive! That's more independence than the average Arab princess in the Middle East.

Today I looked into her eyes and said "come let's drive somewhere."

Her face screamed, no. But I like to think persuading, motivating and luring are my biggest strengths. So, I didn't give up and hell yeah we sat in her car. I was ready. I knew she felt the rush. The kids are at school and it's just me and her. Freedom baby! Engine started, windows down, sun, songs and smiles. That was it. But it gave me great pleasure to push her towards independence. You have to break boundaries. She was alive. That's the beauty of freedom. 

So yeah, fuck you patriarchy. My mother drove on the open roads of kuffar Britain, wearing bright colours and shat rainbows on every stereotype that poisoned her independence. 

What a woman.

Spray it, don't say it

I was supposed to look over the shop floor until I saw a book displayed in a cabinet and 'shawty went in'. I indulged in Banksy's revolutionary riddles and staple stencils. From political persecution to  adorable anarchy. His art speaks to me.

SEE WHAT I MEAN?!

I was about to start on a portrait of my own. But Banksy makes me want to switch things up a bit. The quote below took over the majority of my brain and stayed there until I got home and united with my laptop.

“There are four basic human needs; food, sleep, sex and revenge.” ― Banksy

Food:

Yeah my relationship with food is amazing. I think about the fucker every second. Food keeps you going doesn't it, it's that little devil voice inside you telling you *you are hungry* and in 5 seconds flat you find yourself scoffing calories, saturated fats, sugars and ten years down the line...you are diabetic. *shrugs* My addictions; coffee, cake, nuts, granola bars, pineapple, dried mango, fish and chips, green tea, and a massive war between Kitkat's and Snickers. mmmm yeah they all hit the spot.

Sleep:

Okay, I'm not a big fan of sleep. Maybe that's because I sleep really really really late and even if I am in bed early my eyes don't like to close untill 00:20am. I have no idea how my sleep pattern will fix itself before uni starts again, I'll adjust. I dream every night. And I always dream about twenty things at once!!! If only I remember what I actually dreamt about and whether it had any meaning to my life. If I remember them, I Google the meaning. Go on judge me. It's not about believing what you read, it's just....okay it's exactly that. Once I dreamt that I was on John Legends tour bus (that was no pun shutup) and I was literally talking to him about his music. *sighs*

Sex:

I'm sick and tired. Just sick and tired of seeing people in my year with babies. Babies galore. Scans, left right and center of my Facebook newsfeed, even if I don't have them as a fucking friend someone has gone and liked a scan picture haven't they! Now look, it's good, embrace your genitals with your "loved ones" or the bloke next door but don't moan about not being ready, not having enough benefits and not being able to top-up because you want to have a quick word with Jeremy Kyle. Don't do it. If you can handle all that, by all means, laugh. Laugh some more, enjoy life and love your children! But there's just something inside me that doesn't agree with Facebook baby boom just to tell everyone that your vagina is now open, fragile and abandoned by your baby daddy. Do I think about sex?...get out of here like I'm going to tell you about my erotic fantasies, who are you, Idris Elba?

Revenge:

You could argue, revenge is a calculated plan of action to stab someone in the back if they've stabbed yours. But I mean...is it worth it? It's like you see the whole Gaza conflict, Hamas fighting because Israel started it, Isreal not backing down because Hamas will continue to inflict danger on them. Like, shut up. Sit down and discuss what's the issue here. Obviously, that is now calm due to the ceasefire and political peace talks but it doesn't mean war stops there. There's internal wars. We all have them (okay if you don't, I certainly do). You decide over time, you dislike someone, then you see them in person and you tell yourself that actually...why let someone make you so bitter like that. Forgiveness gets you places that revenge cannot.

I didn't order an Eton Mess?

The one place where the air is thick with toffee syrup, ground coffee and middle class dribble. Costa. I'm with my sister and as usual we look around for two spaces that aren't next to a family, a couple or a mute old man. We join the queue made up of grey haired women, men in suits and now us. As we stand looking like two specs of cocoa in a glass of warm milk my eyes are struggling to read the price list. Yes, I keep forgetting to wear my bleeding contacts. My mind was set on a pot of tea and a lemon muffin. (I definitely recommend it!) So, we stand and sigh as we wait. Then, two boys with silver spoons stuck up their backside join the queue. I didn't think nothing of it until they began to elbow my back as they laughed about their amusing cocaine incident at their last party. See, this is why being short isn't fun. People are often mislead about my height, thinking I'll smile at the idea of being pushed a little and fucking elbowed for that matter. 

I stand containing my anger and finally I order the pot of tea and two lemon muffins. The boys continue to talk so loudly, I don't understand how they were so casual about it but to be fair they were surrounded by their usual environment; the proud middle classes. As the barrister set up my tray, these buffoons thought it was wise to put their stinking sandwiches, innocent smoothies 'what-have-you' in front of my tray. Now look, like I said, I am short. I can't reach the tray to save my life. 

"Would you please excuse me, I can't get to my tray"

"hahahahahahahah oh shit"

"Did I say something that upset you?"

"hahahahahahaha" the two Tesco value blocks of butter were in hysterics.

Spraying their spit. 

"well?"

Both gave a look of *wtf* and *who does this thing think she is?*

Fuming, but nevertheless we sat down next to this Portuguese man and my sister sat opposite me. I take a look around. No one's brown. Does this effect me? Yeah, because I was put in a situation where I fought the stink of internalized racism. Being laughed at just because a brown girl spoke back. No one understood that one very moment of being undermined. Do you think the same would have happened if I was white? No it wouldn't have. What got to my tits the most was eavesdropping their conversation as they rejoiced their mums at the table behind us.

"ahahahaha, and she was like..."EXCUSE ME" who does she think she is?"

"I know, all she had to do was lift the tray over our food, so stupid"

"Why would you even say that to us?"

"hahahahaha, oh just leave it hahaha" one of the mums concluded.

Good thinking bitch. 

You may question why I was passive to the situation itself but to be honest my mind was dealing with more important shit at the time. Besides, my sister kept me sane by grabbing my hand and warning me not to turn around. But can you fucking blame me? People laughing at my expense and for what? 

It's true. I'm sat in an Italian established coffee shop which gave birth in 1971, London. I wouldn't know how a non-white person would feel in that time and place. Ah yes, time and place. Maybe these factors are to blame for why the shop wasn't full of non-white people. This particular coffee shop was on top of a book shop. Oh yes!! that explains it (!). The uneducated, problem causing, terrorist talking non-whites aren't found in places like these you see (!). They prefer to sit by with blue collared jobs whilst their women produce babies and orgasm over patriarchy (!). My only message to those two Eton mess' is fuck you. Fuck you and I hope you choke on your next popodom and whilst you're at it shove another silver spoon up your arse until you're in so much agony that you need to call your Pakistani private doctor "Dr. Shah" to leave you with a fat bill, leaving your Barclays saving's account to a minus four digit figure. 

I have to eat curry because I'm brown

So I stand at my stall at an "all white" fair, with the exception of the stand on our left which polluted the air with samosas and salad. I'm cold, wet and shivering. Three feelings which come under neglect.

I stare at my table which looks like something out of 'My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding' I sigh at how I can't afford the maroon bag with embossed snake print because it's £4.99 and I only have three sorry pounds in my pocket.
I sold nothing. Minutes, hours went by and all I could think of was the samosas. They smelt like my aunts at Eid, but the association didn't put me off at all. We set up at 10am and now it's 12.45pm. Fuck it. I wanted tea. Yes. Best believe coffee has been eliminated from my diet because...I can't think of a reason but I'll get to it one day. So...I politely ask my colleagues and off I went. It was like God blessed me with the ice bucket challenge as soon as I left the stall. Soaking. Drenched. I now stood outside the burger bar. Two fat white men were "busy" assembling a burger for the old lady in front of me. I stood for three long minutes until I was noticed.
"Hello!"
"Hello, two teas please!"
"Two Teas!" and he poured hot water into two cups.
"We sell tea to everyone you know! Everyone."
Now hol' up. What?! Why is he saying that?
"Yeah...I know" I replied.
"I mean, everyone!"
I wanted to sandwich his dick in the grill.
The white old lady smiled to reveal her dentures and her side man smiled too.
"How much change would you like?"
Right he's testing me, brave.
"Well, considering one cup of tea is 60p, lets double that to make it £1.20, so £5- £1.20"
"Yeah, go on then" grinning.
Why the fuck is he smiling?
"£3.80"
His fat friend in the van laughs and drops his spatula.
Ben Dover for your man, prick.
"Thanks have a good day!" and I walked away with my tea+rain.

Next.

I'm stood behind my stall again. Waiting for customers to buy something again. My boots are wet and my feet are wet again. I can smell the waft of my aunt again.

"I'm SO hungry!" I moaned.
"So, what's it you eat then?"
"What?"
"I mean like, do you just eat curry and stuff?
Did I wake up to the year 1971?
"I like all cuisines, what makes you say that?"
"Well, you know you look like you really want a samosa so I thought..."
Wow
I smiled and replied "I enjoy every cuisine as much as you love your mum's bangers and mash."
He didn't know what to say so he shut his dumb-fuck mouth and continued to stare at his thumbs.

Now look. I'm not saying I want to create a jihad with people who aren't my skin colour. No. What I'm saying is, racism isn't as obvious anymore. It's not even religious discrimination. It's undermining the intelligence of someone who clearly looks different to you and the fuck load of ignorance that comes with it. I don't have to comment on these circumstances, but I think it's only right to confront this treatment. It's not the worst, but you have to let people know wagwarn.

I came across the mayor of Milton Keynes. A brown face. I wanted to shake his hand (whether that's religiously correct or not). He's Asian and he gave me the nod which equated to "respect".

I looked around and thought to myself about the lack of brown faces amongst the crowd. I feel sad that I am stood with stereotypical comments attacking me from left and right. I feel sad that my community is immersed in the regime of prayer, mute women and patriarchal men. What the fuck. Community only gets stronger once you let people understand you and it's sad that my family (community) aren't like that at all. I'm confined in my parent's culture where they state someones skin colour before their name and that isn't right either. I don't feel social solidarity at all. It's still fractured and it's because of this shitty little prejudice people contain inside them. 

And on that note, I just won 1-0 against India on Fifa. I was Côte d’Ivoire, big up my main man Yaya Toure.

If they are all rich, does that mean I am poor?

March

You know what, whether your name is Victoria Rose Smith or Shaniqua Glory we are all women at the end of the day.

I say this because I am just reflecting on my day you know. I attended an Asia House Fair which was held on New Cavendish Street in London. Okay, so this was actually to assist my friend Lauren who was documenting the event as part of her project. But see, that wasn't the issue because when I heard about it I was more than happy to go along.

The observing started as soon as we stepped foot into the place.

Okay first, yes the doors were thick Matt glass with golden embossed handles. As soon as you walk in you see a stall with prestige jewelry, then you just can't help but freeze as you notice the price tags screaming "£200". Anyhow, that wasn't the case either, because to be honest the place was beautiful. On your right there was a room converted into a café serving wine, wine and wine. So, as you would, we carried on walking to the next room, the door way inviting us to warm colours of browns and golds: this room represented textiles from Turkey.

Now..I am dressed in a jumper, black jeans and black trainers, Lauren was dressed in all black with a denim jacket. Our lipstick was fine, so what was the issue you ask? well...

You had Patricia on your right talking to Evangeline about her pin tucks, in front of you there was Geraldine talking to Rose about her wine and her collectibles of ceramic buttons at home. Johnathan and Henry were stood observing the paintwork of the golden staircase, Isabel was asked what she wanted from the stall of  hand made Kazakhstan scarves to which she replied "I like this one mummy" smiling and twirling without creasing her boots.

Yes, this was just entering a madhouse of elites because they had money to spend, I get it.

What I don't get is when I am told things about myself through the eyes and words of others. This is what I mean. So...I am conversing with a Japanese woman who is showcasing some hand made jewelry, very delicate and sophisticated. I decide to look at the most striking bracelet, a giant green stone was surrounded by chunky white stones and I was simply like 'dayumm' but she added "perhaps not your style".

Okay number one, you are judging by what I am wearing at that particular moment in time to suddenly know what my 'style' is. Two, was there any need? Three, why am I undermined like that?

Okay big deal, I honestly don't care, but I just wanted to add that.

Then, as I left the room a woman half my height, spectacles balancing on the tip of her nose with a full fringe bumped in to me. She looked up into my face like she was about to spit on me.

An Indian woman in a black striped suit, probably in her late 50's stood in crimson lipstick and her hair in a tight bun. We asked whether it was possible to interview her she simply tuned her back on us and said "no."

A lady behind a stall showcasing crafts from Kashmir, Sindh and India tried to tell me what India is. Do I look like I can't spell Geography? I just don't get why there was this attitude to automatically undermine us.

I will not lie, yes we stood out, not because we were walking around with a Cannon in our hands, but purely because we looked young, broke-"er" and clearly had "no idea" what these people were talking about.

Just because you can talk well, elaborate your vowels and wear cashmere doesn't mean you're more educated than me in any way. Yes, your daughter may be in private school right now, so what? Yes, your hair was cut at the salon and mine was simply brushed, so what? Yeah, I am not representing Cartier on my wrist but you are, so what? Money is a staple, the way it fuels power into people is crazy.

Elites turning their nose up at me is no bother, I don't give a crap that they have money to make it rain. I know that once I have money like that I will earn it, through means where I know I have worked hard. When I attended this even today, I looked around like..yeah but what do you do for yourself? Apart from inheritance where has the money come from? And more importantly is everything about you is money, do you still stand for anything without it?

Just this competing battle between the rich and poor is an ongoing issue. Rich people and poor people will forever shape society in one way or another. To think richer people hold more power is what sickens me, and to think poor people are powerless is just insane.

The experience was moving and empowering. You know what, it only made me want to prove people wrong even more. At the end of the day they don't know where you will be in 5 years time, your success is in your hands, not their words.

Drugs

Yeah I wish I was talking about Paracetamol too, but I'm not. Its this MD cocaine, stuff that goes into your brain, numbing you for that good 6 hours malarky. What bullshit.

Why is there the need to start, is it the buzz? or the kill? cos its only fun now, but what you gonna do when you're addicted. Yes, this drug craze has been around for ages, I'm not trying to say this is something new. But it's the fact that I am seeing it now...

It has only just become visible to me, at first I thought 'yeah people do drugs' however I didn't know it was so many of them. These days people are smoking or sniffing..what next injecting and selling? Who knows where you'll end up you know.

Yes, I get it, some of us will just do it on the rare occasion because that one mate is with you and you feel like it'd be silly to say 'no'. Fine. However the thing that scares me the most is when people become reliant.

You will no longer want a sober hour in your life, because that one hour you will have to face your troubles and you will have to feel stress. So...if you take the drug then all your problems gooo awayyyyy and your happpppy soooo happppy.

-quit tripping-

nah, it's a scare, a real scare, people are no longer satisfied with their life, depression will be the worlds no 1 disease and oh shit how will we cope?!

Fuck knows, but looks like everyone will be jumping on a drug soon. It's a shame.

Not ALL people...but like seriously is that how you value your life...the one thing you do own.

People have their reasons, but no reason should force you to put your health or life at risk. No reason.

Observing on the London Midland

8.33pm 17 dec mon

Wow currently just sat here on a London midland train and oh for goodness sake as much I adore the arabic language..the people are just so loud. My headphones are in however I just cannot deafen their 3's I can't do it. Hahaha they were actually taking pictures with a Samsung phone (which I am used to because of Lauren) the sound of the flash and even worse... the flash itself just blaring out and reflecting in the window. I am sat here with my body turned to my right and I can just see everything they are doing in the window. I am also pretty sure that they were laughing and saying Astagfirullah when I put my headphones in. That was pretty comedic I have to say. I am sat in a double seat with two seats in front facing me. On those two seats are two Chinese women who are currently checking me out as I type ever so quickly, yep. That's me. Pro. I'm sure in their mind they're thinking ..*what a long text* but nahh

This is just me writing all my thoughts down and I can hear this dude on my left look this way. Yeah I should reach my destination in about 40 minutes. I am tired, having dragged myself with three bags full of my belongings.
I am sure the men think I am Arab, the man next to me keeps wanting to look at my face and it's just not working because I keep looking into the window even more. I just heard the two words 'listening Arabic' oh my.. I don't even know LOL.
*looks into window* 
Oh the man in my sight is on the phone. The Chinese women sat in front of me are dressed weird. One in a leopard print bomber jacket and the other wearing bright pink converse. Hmm.
The man's phone is running out of battery haha. He just said 'B minus' perhaps he's a doctor? He looks like one.
I am listening to Pusha T's album. And just smiling at the thought of eating home made food made only by my mothers hands. Beautiful.
He just said 'terminal 4' maybe someone is traveling here to join them, it definitely sounds like they are on holiday. 
See I would have converted all these thought into a 140 character tweet but I have run out of internet.
The white man that was sat with them has left at the stop 'Berkhamsted' so the other men have moved up and are in my view too. 

Okay enough of writing I think the Chinese women may start to think I am mad or something haha. Wow what a semester, my first semester. L, C, J, O, J. 

Arabs are good looking aren't they.

Yeah, it's been a heaven of a journey, can't wait to relax and f around with my siblings! Ah I'm smiling. Family then friends. That's what I didn't get before. Now I do. 
My Extra Ice chewing gum is giving me a brain freeze and an appetite. 

Okay till next time. Deuces London. ️

I want a lesbian friend

Okay okay before I start working on my Media and Society essay. Just one thing.
Regardless of having to go outside due to a fire drill, I was interested in a conversation between these three girls in front of me as I stood against the wall with my hair hiding all the 'natural beauty' I was revealing.

She threw away her cigarette box as she lit the last one she had in her hand, and she started talking. At first it was the generic thoughts of everyone at that present time, i.e why are we out here at this time of the morning when we can't see nor smell a fire. Then she started talking about a dream, which she then corrected herself, saying she had a nightmare.

The two girls that stood with her were smoking as well, one had finished hers and the other was half way through it. Ash was flying my way but I was too intrigued by her nightmare.

"I had a nightmare that you cheated on me." This is when my brain clocked, lesbian. She went on...
"Yeah I thought you cheated on me by sleeping with her" *she pointed at the girl stood next to her*
"Then I asked you in real life and you were like 'oh nahh I'm not a bad person I wouldn't do that', but then I said 'yeah but you were a bad person in my nightmare'!" *they all start laughing*

It's a small thing isn't it. A small detail of my day that I actually found interesting. You see, I am guilty of living in this world where everyone is so different that I have no time to stop and realize, 'ah shit'.

I found it so cool, like I never stopped to think, (this is not me being patronizing or naive) ofcourse I know there are gay relationships, but I didn't think of it as a serious matter. I'm just being honest. I am straight and single lol so I don't ponder on these kinda issues. But yeah, it got to me.

Recently I actually wrote about the ethical issue of the lack of lesbians on screen. How they are underrepresented in the media and whether this will change.

I agree to an extent, but I am a realist, so my argument is...no one really goes on screen and says "hi, today you are watching ____ and my name is _____ and oh btw I'm straight! Or by the way I am single, or married, or female, or gay." You know what I mean?

It's not the first thing you say, perhaps for some people certain aspects of their persona are important to them, I think what you feel is important about yourself, is when teachers would say "Okay, we're going round the class, introduce yourself with your name and two things about you"

Ironically I do not remember what I used to say because I am confident that I'd change my answer every year. Interestingly, If I was asked that now, in this moment in time, I'd say..

"Hi, my name is Asma, I am 19 and I currently I am in my first year at university."

How boring right?

But I think they are the two things important to me right now. I dunno why.

But yeah anyway, back to my essay reading on 'How does the media challenge/reinforce traditional ideas about gender?' which requires reading 8 sources, oh boy.

Reality just Sharquisha'd me in face as I realize I only have one chocolate digestive left.

Fun.