FAM-I (don't) Love You

"Let's go to your aunts" she said. "People visit family all the time Asma, that's what being a family is all about."

Okay. Hold the fuck up what.

Me, yes I am a family person...if that means to stay in your own household and act like a complete goon within the walls of my own flesh and blood. But if a 'family person' means having to visit other people...you know what I mean. That aunt who has 3 kids now. The uncle who recently wed that hoe. The cousin who is pregnant. The long one hour drive to that random woman, who saw you 10 years ago. That whole package, are you with me?

I stood at the glass stained door only to fear the smells that are about to cling onto my military coat. The stench threw itself on me as I entered the door. I look back to see my mum put a smile on (you know them happy family ones) and I was not going to smile back. Don't get me wrong, I like seeing family...if they care about you that is. If they remember your birthday and notice that you aren't at school anymore and that you are a grown adult. So I shook hands and french kissed all the women and greeted the children. The baby started crying as soon as I walked past it, so they made some next excuse like..."oh she's just getting to know you haha". Haha. No. Does it look like I have 'lets be friends' on my forehead? So I sat down, the TV was off (great nothing to look at) so I began to scan the walls and what they displayed on them. There were artificial flowers and paintings of idealic sceneries. Little stone birds perched on their mantle piece and a whiteboard with Arabic on it placed just behind. My aunt sat next to me and dropped the 'how are studies going?'...that one question that my parents don't really bother with. I answered with a smile and said they're alright and then outlined the basics of my course at university. She smiled with pride, that was humbling. From the corner of my eye the baby started making it's way towards me, I got up without a care and wanted to check out what the other walls looked like. lol.

On the plus the food was alright, but I just saw all these numbers rushing around me..all them calories and saturated fats just put me off. Played Ludo with one of the girls, yeah that was pleasant as it brought back memories of being 6 and playing board games all day long. Then I spotted some glitter gel pens, another leaf in the chapter of my younger days. I then starred at my siblings drawing, then all of a sudden I wanted to draw to, but then changed my mind and had a great urge to write a poem. It was called "No Broom in the Room"- the title is pretty self explanatory. Yeah the girls laughed whilst reading it. At last that feeling of naturally laughing seeped into my emotions and I laughed too. Hmm..then time passed, I look across the living room and my parents are now watching the news...politics. Yawn. Then I made my way to the front door and we left. My aunt said "Till next time...probably Easter yeah?" I nodded with a 'yeah' and she concluded with that heart warming "Take care."

This post doesn't really have much to say to be honest. But it's an emotion within me that I can hardly put into straight forward English, I mean right now I feel deceived and angry. You will frown and think "but why?" that's another question that I can't get across either. But somehow coming home and running into my room to write about it just takes a weight off. A weight that is made up of family tradition, neglect, unbalance, unfulfillment, vomit and claustrophobia.

I am encased in this cocoon of pretence, London is calling my name; I am not a celebrity but get me the fuck out of here!!!

[if you didn't get anything...don't worry you weren't meant to]