Asma's Room ft reflecting - Big Driis remix

If I said I am content with everything in life right now I'd be lying, so instead I shall say I think I am very aware of my desperation to bring some changes into my life.

It sounds dramatic, but I believe the changes will be dramatic and therefore I won't go back and change what I have just said. Enough waffling.

I came home for the Easter break as any normal person would do. Ofcourse I missed my family very much, considering moving to university means you reply on conversing with friends and total strangers most of the time. Being at home just means you can have that comfortable feeling again, that feeling where you can be lazy without feeling guilty. All my work is now complete, I just hope that I go back to some good grades in recognition of my hard work. I'm not even being cocky, it's the pure fact that I put my heart and soul into my work, whether that was a small feature or a 2,500 word count.

It's kinda hard to come home and just go on about university and the things that come with it. Firstly, the educative side then the social side and then the personal side. As a 19 year old, I feel a little more independent because you understand that not only are you more of an adult, you have to be wise with your energy. Nah, I'm not trying to say my knees are getting weaker but just on the whole I do feel like I am getting exhausted pretty quickly. Especially when you know fully well that you haven't settled anywhere yet.

Getting into university was amazing. It's just when you come home you realize there are still strings attached. You aren't away yet. Not at all. Basically being away from home is just a physical reminder that I am moving forward so the flip side is, being at home is a emotional reminder that I really ain't.

On that note, it's only wise to think positive. I have never said that in my life to be fair, I dislike the word 'positive' very much because it's like you're masquerading what you truly feel. So let me re-phrase. It's only wise to think realistically. 

This means keep myself busy and continue to build on the blocks that I can see before me.

*looks out the window and laughs*

It's just funny because I know exactly what I was doing this time last year and what an emotional waste. People say you can look back on your past and learn from your mistakes but I don't believe in that...I believe you don't learn...in fact you recognize. You recognize that you have changed. Changed for the better.

Idris Elba is now a father to Winston Elba who was born yesterday. Just thought i'd slip that in because it actually made me so happy. Like really happy...isn't that weird? Isn't it weird that someone who doesn't even know you can make you happy and they have no idea. haha.

FAM-I (don't) Love You

"Let's go to your aunts" she said. "People visit family all the time Asma, that's what being a family is all about."

Okay. Hold the fuck up what.

Me, yes I am a family person...if that means to stay in your own household and act like a complete goon within the walls of my own flesh and blood. But if a 'family person' means having to visit other people...you know what I mean. That aunt who has 3 kids now. The uncle who recently wed that hoe. The cousin who is pregnant. The long one hour drive to that random woman, who saw you 10 years ago. That whole package, are you with me?

I stood at the glass stained door only to fear the smells that are about to cling onto my military coat. The stench threw itself on me as I entered the door. I look back to see my mum put a smile on (you know them happy family ones) and I was not going to smile back. Don't get me wrong, I like seeing family...if they care about you that is. If they remember your birthday and notice that you aren't at school anymore and that you are a grown adult. So I shook hands and french kissed all the women and greeted the children. The baby started crying as soon as I walked past it, so they made some next excuse like..."oh she's just getting to know you haha". Haha. No. Does it look like I have 'lets be friends' on my forehead? So I sat down, the TV was off (great nothing to look at) so I began to scan the walls and what they displayed on them. There were artificial flowers and paintings of idealic sceneries. Little stone birds perched on their mantle piece and a whiteboard with Arabic on it placed just behind. My aunt sat next to me and dropped the 'how are studies going?'...that one question that my parents don't really bother with. I answered with a smile and said they're alright and then outlined the basics of my course at university. She smiled with pride, that was humbling. From the corner of my eye the baby started making it's way towards me, I got up without a care and wanted to check out what the other walls looked like. lol.

On the plus the food was alright, but I just saw all these numbers rushing around me..all them calories and saturated fats just put me off. Played Ludo with one of the girls, yeah that was pleasant as it brought back memories of being 6 and playing board games all day long. Then I spotted some glitter gel pens, another leaf in the chapter of my younger days. I then starred at my siblings drawing, then all of a sudden I wanted to draw to, but then changed my mind and had a great urge to write a poem. It was called "No Broom in the Room"- the title is pretty self explanatory. Yeah the girls laughed whilst reading it. At last that feeling of naturally laughing seeped into my emotions and I laughed too. Hmm..then time passed, I look across the living room and my parents are now watching the news...politics. Yawn. Then I made my way to the front door and we left. My aunt said "Till next time...probably Easter yeah?" I nodded with a 'yeah' and she concluded with that heart warming "Take care."

This post doesn't really have much to say to be honest. But it's an emotion within me that I can hardly put into straight forward English, I mean right now I feel deceived and angry. You will frown and think "but why?" that's another question that I can't get across either. But somehow coming home and running into my room to write about it just takes a weight off. A weight that is made up of family tradition, neglect, unbalance, unfulfillment, vomit and claustrophobia.

I am encased in this cocoon of pretence, London is calling my name; I am not a celebrity but get me the fuck out of here!!!

[if you didn't get anything...don't worry you weren't meant to]