I am TalkTalk you are Lebara

Perhaps this issue doesn't bother you, well this is something that certainly gets on my nerves. And I applaud you if you can relate...

Ever sat in a room, whether its a classroom, a social group, any group really where someone asks a question that you know the answer to...but you don't want to say it.

I'm a loud mofo, I will talk all day long, yet ironically I hate long phone calls...anyway..my point is..

these past few weeks I have tried the "let me be a little reserved" as I believe you should always experiment with yourself. And so, I decided to stay quiet a little, I didn't say shit in class. I simply looked around to see whether anyone actually talks. Nah, nope no one. Of course there's the occasional one or two people who are always answering the question (that gets on my tits), but on the whole..no one. No one. No one says shit.

Then I wonder why.. why why why, could it be they are shy...but you are here to study journalism..
could it be they know the answer but don't want to say anything because that would seem uncool...erm but if looking cool is prioritized over your study then that's a bit weird...
could it be they're hungover?...okay fair enough
scared of whether your answer is wrong?...who cares man, everyone else isn't right all the time,
language barrier?...well your arse is in England now so fix up
sore throat?...yeah right
want to let everyone else do the talking?...how will you let your self be heard then?
bored of this long list?...yeah so am I.

But see, I simply don't understand, I can't stand silence in a room full of people, that's just wrong. I mean I know of some people that are so vocal on Twitter and what have you...but when it comes to real life...your personality is dandruff.

That's all I wanted to address, other than that I have so much work on my shoulders right now, so till next time...peace out.

Will Time Tell?

I wrote this in my notebook on the 9th of January and whatever motivated me to write it is probably the notion of life.

'In this generation there's too many games. 

Everyone is a player, playing their own game.. multi-player, single player, board game, interactive game you name it. 

Everyone is eager to start one then everyone is scared to finish it. 

No-one dares to finish the game because being a loser is no longer a threat.

The thing is we all want to win. 

But someone has got to lose and everyone is pretending they're winning.'

Confused? Yeah me too. I like it though, so regardless of your opinion, you have read it, thanks.

FAM-I (don't) Love You

"Let's go to your aunts" she said. "People visit family all the time Asma, that's what being a family is all about."

Okay. Hold the fuck up what.

Me, yes I am a family person...if that means to stay in your own household and act like a complete goon within the walls of my own flesh and blood. But if a 'family person' means having to visit other people...you know what I mean. That aunt who has 3 kids now. The uncle who recently wed that hoe. The cousin who is pregnant. The long one hour drive to that random woman, who saw you 10 years ago. That whole package, are you with me?

I stood at the glass stained door only to fear the smells that are about to cling onto my military coat. The stench threw itself on me as I entered the door. I look back to see my mum put a smile on (you know them happy family ones) and I was not going to smile back. Don't get me wrong, I like seeing family...if they care about you that is. If they remember your birthday and notice that you aren't at school anymore and that you are a grown adult. So I shook hands and french kissed all the women and greeted the children. The baby started crying as soon as I walked past it, so they made some next excuse like..."oh she's just getting to know you haha". Haha. No. Does it look like I have 'lets be friends' on my forehead? So I sat down, the TV was off (great nothing to look at) so I began to scan the walls and what they displayed on them. There were artificial flowers and paintings of idealic sceneries. Little stone birds perched on their mantle piece and a whiteboard with Arabic on it placed just behind. My aunt sat next to me and dropped the 'how are studies going?'...that one question that my parents don't really bother with. I answered with a smile and said they're alright and then outlined the basics of my course at university. She smiled with pride, that was humbling. From the corner of my eye the baby started making it's way towards me, I got up without a care and wanted to check out what the other walls looked like. lol.

On the plus the food was alright, but I just saw all these numbers rushing around me..all them calories and saturated fats just put me off. Played Ludo with one of the girls, yeah that was pleasant as it brought back memories of being 6 and playing board games all day long. Then I spotted some glitter gel pens, another leaf in the chapter of my younger days. I then starred at my siblings drawing, then all of a sudden I wanted to draw to, but then changed my mind and had a great urge to write a poem. It was called "No Broom in the Room"- the title is pretty self explanatory. Yeah the girls laughed whilst reading it. At last that feeling of naturally laughing seeped into my emotions and I laughed too. Hmm..then time passed, I look across the living room and my parents are now watching the news...politics. Yawn. Then I made my way to the front door and we left. My aunt said "Till next time...probably Easter yeah?" I nodded with a 'yeah' and she concluded with that heart warming "Take care."

This post doesn't really have much to say to be honest. But it's an emotion within me that I can hardly put into straight forward English, I mean right now I feel deceived and angry. You will frown and think "but why?" that's another question that I can't get across either. But somehow coming home and running into my room to write about it just takes a weight off. A weight that is made up of family tradition, neglect, unbalance, unfulfillment, vomit and claustrophobia.

I am encased in this cocoon of pretence, London is calling my name; I am not a celebrity but get me the fuck out of here!!!

[if you didn't get anything...don't worry you weren't meant to]