Banging...headache

“Turn my headphones up, louder”- Gotta Have It.

I am about 1,100 words into my essay and I have stopped. The thought of going to the library did cross my mind. Instead I am in my room, with a banging headache, curtains drawn and my hoodie providing warmth.

I can hear banging.

It’s 15:58pm and I am sat here starring at my Daily Milk Fruit and Nut like, “hold tight, let’s do this.”

I only hope that this essay gets done. Like, can I please bag a first for this essay? I’m even putting my phone on aeroplane mode, stunting like my phone is always popping off.

I think I just heard a sound…through my headphones. Kendrick kissing my eardrum tender with Babylon.

Hmm, yeah my thoughts are bit fragmented. I’m kind of ready to punch someone in the throat, but have no energy left in me at the same time. I kind of wish I was high on a field of daisy’s somewhere north but then I also wish I could sleep this headache away too.

The Birth of Venus- Sandro Botticelli, I love it.

Yeah, I can hear banging.

Well, erm yeah at the minute in my essay I’m arguing that audiences DO have power over programmes. It sounds bizarre, but I totally think, if it wasn’t for an audience then why create the television in the first place?

I can still hear banging.

Like, if everyone was into monogamous relationships, Fifty Shades of Grey would have no purpose as a book, let alone a film.

I should really be adding words to my essay, instead I’m here listening to SZA with a burning desire to rip my headphones apart but that would leave me in a very …awkward… position.

I can hear banging.

The only thing making me scream right now is word counts. It’s a love hate relationship, I actually love learning new theories and writing about them but I simply can’t hear myself right now.

Does anyone want to send me a nude? I want to …draw. 

Burning desire to write a poem

He just wanna smoke and fuck, so I guess we both speak Hebrew

Now he talking my language, but would it work when I ain’t Jew?

Rents due late, and so’s your love when we come through,

In due time we’ll cash all these memories

Stack all these memories, in my mind bank full of sanity

But your back’s turned to face me,

Face screwed up, back stabbing, always injure me

Injuries that A&E can’t stitch up, see...

The threads getting thicker, my words are getting quicker,

The bloods just iron bars, pump fist I'm a prisoner

In this dark world, I walk but run to find cover

Under my cover, stand cover when my eyes close,

The only warmth was your hand and now it’s the fire that’s under me

Ash in my eyes, sting from the morgue

Where our past lays, ashes to ashes,

No dust to dust,

Cos the dust is in my lungs, I suffocate in the prison,

But the bars break-up like us,

Like me, like you, like what the fuck

Fuck feelings, flippin' weight on my sanity,

And your carcass rots as I run free. 

-Asma Qureshi

Affection and attention

Affection and attention.

If you could only choose one which one would it be?
What's more important to you, emotion or image?

You're constantly noticed for your looks, than asked how you're feeling.
And I don't mean the 'you good?' in fact I mean 'how was your day?'

Because I mean...can you remember the last person who complimented on your looks or the person who asked how you were?

Maybe you're thinking does it even matter?...I think it does.
Because it helps you answer that one question: What do you want?

And to be fair, I have never been asked that before and if I was asked that right now I know which one I'd go for. It would be affection, as attention is disposable. You reply 'thank you' and your ego grows an inch.

Affection builds, it grows and it's something real. It clears your mind, a bit like green tea. haha.
It makes you stronger. And it's pure.

Attention is addictive, the day you get 11+ likes on a Instagram picture, it only creates the expectation to get more likes next time. Poor example, but you know what I mean.

When you don't get affection you get lonely and you rely on attention.
When you don't get attention you're disappointed and it makes you angry.
But you try again and again to get attention so you end up with affection.

See...you seek attention to get affection.
You can't seek affection to get attention, because when you have affection you no longer need attention.

It's getting confusing now isn't it. Okay I'll just leave you with that. X

Will Time Tell?

I wrote this in my notebook on the 9th of January and whatever motivated me to write it is probably the notion of life.

'In this generation there's too many games. 

Everyone is a player, playing their own game.. multi-player, single player, board game, interactive game you name it. 

Everyone is eager to start one then everyone is scared to finish it. 

No-one dares to finish the game because being a loser is no longer a threat.

The thing is we all want to win. 

But someone has got to lose and everyone is pretending they're winning.'

Confused? Yeah me too. I like it though, so regardless of your opinion, you have read it, thanks.

Sour

*Starring in the mirror*

I'm sitting in that room in university, doing something cool in it
Doing it better than anybody I ever seen do it
Screams from the fire bell, got a ratchet ring to it
I guess every hot gyal needs reminding
That no one person should have all that sour
To make you feel shit, gosh I'm only getting louder
Stop thinking, cos I'm thinking 'they just being sour' (2013 coming to an end)
My mind's open, the school is bruk, now the future's open
I got nothing to lose, cos i'm not even balling
Huh? cos i'm not even balling
I need an internship and a box of Thorntons
In this white girl fame, they make you feel chosen
So wake up, false hope, lol who am I fooling
Huh? lol Who am I fooling
This is just too much, I need a caution.

(( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ouwCWDbBskU ))

I want a lesbian friend

Okay okay before I start working on my Media and Society essay. Just one thing.
Regardless of having to go outside due to a fire drill, I was interested in a conversation between these three girls in front of me as I stood against the wall with my hair hiding all the 'natural beauty' I was revealing.

She threw away her cigarette box as she lit the last one she had in her hand, and she started talking. At first it was the generic thoughts of everyone at that present time, i.e why are we out here at this time of the morning when we can't see nor smell a fire. Then she started talking about a dream, which she then corrected herself, saying she had a nightmare.

The two girls that stood with her were smoking as well, one had finished hers and the other was half way through it. Ash was flying my way but I was too intrigued by her nightmare.

"I had a nightmare that you cheated on me." This is when my brain clocked, lesbian. She went on...
"Yeah I thought you cheated on me by sleeping with her" *she pointed at the girl stood next to her*
"Then I asked you in real life and you were like 'oh nahh I'm not a bad person I wouldn't do that', but then I said 'yeah but you were a bad person in my nightmare'!" *they all start laughing*

It's a small thing isn't it. A small detail of my day that I actually found interesting. You see, I am guilty of living in this world where everyone is so different that I have no time to stop and realize, 'ah shit'.

I found it so cool, like I never stopped to think, (this is not me being patronizing or naive) ofcourse I know there are gay relationships, but I didn't think of it as a serious matter. I'm just being honest. I am straight and single lol so I don't ponder on these kinda issues. But yeah, it got to me.

Recently I actually wrote about the ethical issue of the lack of lesbians on screen. How they are underrepresented in the media and whether this will change.

I agree to an extent, but I am a realist, so my argument is...no one really goes on screen and says "hi, today you are watching ____ and my name is _____ and oh btw I'm straight! Or by the way I am single, or married, or female, or gay." You know what I mean?

It's not the first thing you say, perhaps for some people certain aspects of their persona are important to them, I think what you feel is important about yourself, is when teachers would say "Okay, we're going round the class, introduce yourself with your name and two things about you"

Ironically I do not remember what I used to say because I am confident that I'd change my answer every year. Interestingly, If I was asked that now, in this moment in time, I'd say..

"Hi, my name is Asma, I am 19 and I currently I am in my first year at university."

How boring right?

But I think they are the two things important to me right now. I dunno why.

But yeah anyway, back to my essay reading on 'How does the media challenge/reinforce traditional ideas about gender?' which requires reading 8 sources, oh boy.

Reality just Sharquisha'd me in face as I realize I only have one chocolate digestive left.

Fun.

I like it loud

I have been awake since 12pm yesterday. I sat up all night waiting for the internet to resurrect from the depths of my despair but no.

Thoughts kept me up. 

Music was playing, some playlist on soundcloud which I will not mention for the fear of being judged. 

It was chill. I sat here drawing and writing and gazing out of my window at the moon. Thinking about those scenarios that you want to happen.

Yeah... I'm no John Keats, but when I start thinking, I shit you not, a poem starts forming in my head.

The conversion of my thoughts into lines that won't ever make sense to you. 

I turn him on, he's always showing it.

And I love it when he's loud during the day, but the soothing whispers in the night are so perfect.

It's only when it's just me and him that the whole world is forgotten. 

My mind is just on him and it's magical.

I pay so much attention to him, I sometimes wish he would talk more...

Like if I asked a question, I'd want him to answer, he has no soul

but he answers me in other ways.

Ways that make me feel noticed.

One to one.

Perhaps they hear us, they've never seen us though.

I value privacy. But he likes attention so I don't think he'd mind going public.

I always notice his veins that pulse this energy, that drive.

His deep notes always hop in my ears.

We'll always have this connection.

I know it, I will take him everywhere I go...well only if they have sockets.

He is so clean I'd never want to get him dirty on anyone else's desk.

And I wish the wires were longer because I like distance sometimes.

Tomorrow is Sunday, he'll have a day off.

And I wish he could go louder, but security would hate me even more than they do now.

I dance to him though, everyday. He doesn't comment. So I dance more.

lmao, I knew personifying my speakers was a bad idea.