3.4.16 | میں نے ایک فیصلہ کر لیا |1

Central London on my ones

13/05/2014

Sat on a bench in Hyde Park with the bipolar weather giving me sweats every two minutes in my Ted Baker coat.
Being careful not to sit in a sneaky puddle.

My boots are resting in the slightly pebbled path and I can feel my toes getting wet. Foreign people, actually German people walking past, the litter picker in his khaki hat walks past me. A group of eleven hench men following the path I front of me, 'ballers' I guess. And a Spanish nuclear family watching their three year old chase a squirrel round the trees. A modern looking scouts group on my left having a piggy back race and I hear a leash behind me.

Suitcases scrape as four girls walk past, their faces screaming 'i'm fucking jet-lagged'. 

Oh it's a sausage dog. There's a theme of holding big umbrellas if you're wearing a suit. And if you're not wearing a suit you're looked up and down like a dog.

All I wanted was a piss, I walked into Everbean, a cafe, that's a five minute walk from the Albemarle Gallery. That's were I was today. I was eager to visit Okafor's portrait exhibition. Stunning detail and marble floors only followed by glares and botched noses.

A typical middle class man walked in and the man at reception walked over to him only to ask if he was alright. He informed him about the gallery, the artist's history and handed him an A4 paper that listed all the portraits one by one.

Did I get one? Nah. Two women, both black walked in. Did they get one? Nah.

I think I wasn't dressed appropriately. Perhaps if I bought a blazer and some heels it would have done the trick. Or if I walked in with Gucci shades and a LV scarf. Maybe if I walked in with an Arab dad, or a white friend. Perhaps if my hair was permed straight and I spoke Queen's English. I should have done that really.

Throughout the whole day I had one conversation. One. The lovely lady without judgement asked me if I needed help. This was in the Fine Art building bear New Bond Street I think. I'm talking like I know the place. I walked past LV, Fendi, Chanel, I could go on. Audi, Ferrari and every logo. The Chalet bar, Starbucks, Pret, Eat, men, women, dogs, taxis, cabs, Bentleys, German whips. English, foreign. Italian, Arab, French, German, Iranian, Dutch, Thai Embassy. streets, grunge.

Well I pictured most of it. I am now in Hyde Park. Where there's a diversity. You need diversity. Well I need it cos I've had enough of people looking at me head to toe.

Chavs, now walk past, I quietly type cos lord knows if my phone gets taken I may just turn Solange on their asses and there is no CCTV to back me up. I'm empty inside. My belly is full of coffee and thoughts. I'm feeling really weird, like I've just fell in a pit.

It's called a thought hurricane and a storm of reflection. Damn I'm hungry.

My motivation is going up and down

Okay time-out.

Let me just switch my phone off and think for a second.

I don't communicate well when I feel things getting on top of me. So I believe the best way to deliver my thoughts is to just write on here.

I have been through many applications and interviews lately, specifically within the journalism spectrum but I just have this feeling. Like, this feeling of not getting it. I don't care if you're rolling your eyes as you read this but I help the way I feel right now. Opportunities are endless, yeah..well so is disappointment. I mean, I know that's part of the journey to success. You're supposed to fail continuously until you reach that level of content. But, it's so much to handle. I have my mind set on just getting a position, somewhere, I don't give a bollocks if there's money or no money.

"I used to care about money until I realised money doesn't care about me." - Skepta

Yeah, I just read that on my twitter feed. It's so accurate for me right now.
I don't even know where I will be living next year.
I don't know where I want to go with my degree.
I don't know who's supporting me and who's not.

That's the confusion I feel right now.

I went for an interview yesterday and I was asked if I have a blog. I answered yes. Referring to my other blog which I use as a platform to showcase my work at university. Of course I know I should expand on it more. But, really? I am so indecisive. It takes time for my mind to settle for something.

Right now, I know I can't wright. I just know I can't. Even the people yesterday said my title ideas weren't so captivating yet the content sounds like it has potential.

Well...what the fuck does that mean. Just tell me i'm shit and i'll be gone with the wind. (fabulous).

My writing style isn't for the elite. It's just how I write. I write how I want to.
And if I feel incredibly passionate about something I write even better.

So what the heck. Lord knows where I am going with this right now. But I just want to get it right. I just want someone to finally realise "fuck, she's serious".

Notes

Imma shake the Can you open the seal and lip read?

Cos your track puts me on track as we race to the line

Open up the fastener promise you I'm fast enough

Marathon man can you pass me the baton?

Handle the pace of your heart that's a trip

Of Course and the rhythm got me lost

It's so a-Maze ing

Almost skating, no half pipe cos this is the full course

Of course, I have a sweet tooth, pass me the menu...

Man what am I doing?! When I have U

And be assured I'm not playing, this ain't no footsie

saying "you ain't my Man" U best believe in my words

And the feeling that was felt from the first time

Like a dear walks for the first time

Pain at pleasure was the procedure of our Rhyme 

Preparing for the passion in my imagination for next time

But don't get it twisted cos I'd dread to lose... you're mine.

Burning desire to write a poem

He just wanna smoke and fuck, so I guess we both speak Hebrew

Now he talking my language, but would it work when I ain’t Jew?

Rents due late, and so’s your love when we come through,

In due time we’ll cash all these memories

Stack all these memories, in my mind bank full of sanity

But your back’s turned to face me,

Face screwed up, back stabbing, always injure me

Injuries that A&E can’t stitch up, see...

The threads getting thicker, my words are getting quicker,

The bloods just iron bars, pump fist I'm a prisoner

In this dark world, I walk but run to find cover

Under my cover, stand cover when my eyes close,

The only warmth was your hand and now it’s the fire that’s under me

Ash in my eyes, sting from the morgue

Where our past lays, ashes to ashes,

No dust to dust,

Cos the dust is in my lungs, I suffocate in the prison,

But the bars break-up like us,

Like me, like you, like what the fuck

Fuck feelings, flippin' weight on my sanity,

And your carcass rots as I run free. 

-Asma Qureshi

Why listening to Jhene Aiko made me think

Somehow I'm really connected to Jhene Aiko and I'm thinking about why.

Hmm, it's getting sunnier these days isn't it? I am sure the weather effects ones mood. Urgh, I should be getting on with so many tasks right now, I have an essay, two presentations, an evaluation and a review. The idea of writing within journalism is a daunting one, I like to talk...but putting speech into words is quite tricky. Like right now I am writing how I think...and the way I think is so random. The sentences that you have read so far don't connect at all, in fact if I gave this to my old English teacher she would re-boot her computer straight away.

Things are looking busy these days actually, and this isn't just work wise, just in general. Yeah, it's so obvious to say 'there aren't enough hours in the day' but that's not what I mean. I think there are enough hours..it's just the way you use them. At the minute I am using it wisely..but it's a slow process. I'm an immediate person when it comes to change...sometimes I prefer change to hit me like a brick wall, because that way I have no time to think about getting over it? You know what I mean.
 (ah shit I think I am going off in a tangent.)

But...you know what, I'm not going to re-write everything because to be honest that wouldn't be a true reflection of me. I don't go back and erase things..that's just weird. I like flaws because that's what makes you different. I mean if we were all perfect, there'd be no substance, and that would mean we all end up liking the same shit and hating the same shit. We'd become minions of conformity.

Yes. I got it. I think right now I am fixated on the idea of going out my way to 'do me'. That sounds crazy right? I'm bored of lefts and rights..I want to jump of the path and make my own because the path's too long and boring for me.

I don't know whether you can relate, but if so I just think concentrating on yourself should come first sometimes.

Okay, back to my chocolate digestives and my work. Bless.

Observing on the London Midland

8.33pm 17 dec mon

Wow currently just sat here on a London midland train and oh for goodness sake as much I adore the arabic language..the people are just so loud. My headphones are in however I just cannot deafen their 3's I can't do it. Hahaha they were actually taking pictures with a Samsung phone (which I am used to because of Lauren) the sound of the flash and even worse... the flash itself just blaring out and reflecting in the window. I am sat here with my body turned to my right and I can just see everything they are doing in the window. I am also pretty sure that they were laughing and saying Astagfirullah when I put my headphones in. That was pretty comedic I have to say. I am sat in a double seat with two seats in front facing me. On those two seats are two Chinese women who are currently checking me out as I type ever so quickly, yep. That's me. Pro. I'm sure in their mind they're thinking ..*what a long text* but nahh

This is just me writing all my thoughts down and I can hear this dude on my left look this way. Yeah I should reach my destination in about 40 minutes. I am tired, having dragged myself with three bags full of my belongings.
I am sure the men think I am Arab, the man next to me keeps wanting to look at my face and it's just not working because I keep looking into the window even more. I just heard the two words 'listening Arabic' oh my.. I don't even know LOL.
*looks into window* 
Oh the man in my sight is on the phone. The Chinese women sat in front of me are dressed weird. One in a leopard print bomber jacket and the other wearing bright pink converse. Hmm.
The man's phone is running out of battery haha. He just said 'B minus' perhaps he's a doctor? He looks like one.
I am listening to Pusha T's album. And just smiling at the thought of eating home made food made only by my mothers hands. Beautiful.
He just said 'terminal 4' maybe someone is traveling here to join them, it definitely sounds like they are on holiday. 
See I would have converted all these thought into a 140 character tweet but I have run out of internet.
The white man that was sat with them has left at the stop 'Berkhamsted' so the other men have moved up and are in my view too. 

Okay enough of writing I think the Chinese women may start to think I am mad or something haha. Wow what a semester, my first semester. L, C, J, O, J. 

Arabs are good looking aren't they.

Yeah, it's been a heaven of a journey, can't wait to relax and f around with my siblings! Ah I'm smiling. Family then friends. That's what I didn't get before. Now I do. 
My Extra Ice chewing gum is giving me a brain freeze and an appetite. 

Okay till next time. Deuces London. ️

Panama - How we Feel

I am lost in this song. Listen and watch it, you'll understand.

Got you didn't it?