Photo essay: Love

Again?

Colour, always colour.

Lust, a mess.

Waiting, for what?

Knowing.

Solitude.

It's Fathers Day

I loved this top as a five year old, I was a diva.

"You're dressed like a tramp" said Dad.
"Thanks, I get it from you" I replied.

Fathers Day.

See, I have never celebrated it. Not because that's a sign of hatred or self loathing, it's just I don't do it.
Even with Mothers Day. Yeah, the kids make a card and sign their names blah blah, but my names always absent.

I show my love for my mother in every situation that I can. Whether that be in appreciation for something, or helping her, or even talking to her with kind words. I think that's what means most to me. I value the little things not the big commercial present with a label attached and the price scribbled out. We all show our love/affection in our own ways.

Tough Love.

Have you heard of it? I believe everyone's relationship with their parents is personal. Extremely personal. Therefor nah, I won't tweet or instagram a happy family portrait to signify my love in a picture. What for? Likes? Comments? It's all a facade.

Perhaps you're reading this thinking "damn this is deep". Well yeah, of course it is?!

I can't wait to be a parent myself. It'll be that one chance to maybe hinder the experiences I have had, take the moments I've had, the things I have seen and felt towards my child. Towards bringing them up in this world in my way. To make them feel absolute happiness that I maybe crave for but fear.

Affection and attention

Affection and attention.

If you could only choose one which one would it be?
What's more important to you, emotion or image?

You're constantly noticed for your looks, than asked how you're feeling.
And I don't mean the 'you good?' in fact I mean 'how was your day?'

Because I mean...can you remember the last person who complimented on your looks or the person who asked how you were?

Maybe you're thinking does it even matter?...I think it does.
Because it helps you answer that one question: What do you want?

And to be fair, I have never been asked that before and if I was asked that right now I know which one I'd go for. It would be affection, as attention is disposable. You reply 'thank you' and your ego grows an inch.

Affection builds, it grows and it's something real. It clears your mind, a bit like green tea. haha.
It makes you stronger. And it's pure.

Attention is addictive, the day you get 11+ likes on a Instagram picture, it only creates the expectation to get more likes next time. Poor example, but you know what I mean.

When you don't get affection you get lonely and you rely on attention.
When you don't get attention you're disappointed and it makes you angry.
But you try again and again to get attention so you end up with affection.

See...you seek attention to get affection.
You can't seek affection to get attention, because when you have affection you no longer need attention.

It's getting confusing now isn't it. Okay I'll just leave you with that. X

It's 09.43am

Every time you think you are going right just know that there's a motherfucking left somewhere, ready to spit on your journey.

You're thinking, 'But is it that deep?' Well yeah? It is. There's no time to write five paragraphs on ways to guide you through self-help bullshit, so instead I'll just keep writing about situations where you can relate.

It seems as though you have made a friend who wants to get closer and closer, but really all you're thinking is "get out of here". 

You have a massive workload and you think you'd do it bit by bit, but you leave it to the last minute praying it'll sound good anyway.

You'll get that text after 56 days of staring at your phone and it will read 'I miss you', bitch are you kidding.

You soon realise maybe you are beginning to invest time in the wrong things, well then just change it?

BTW I ain't moaning about nothing, it's what I have seen around me that is making me agitated. Cannot stand being around pessimism, always negativity and people having to say shit about you. Keep talking though, I actually love it. I once (2012) walked past two people talking about me and I pretended I didn't hear a thing. Why pretend? There is no time to pretend about shit like that. Just simple rudeness is getting on my tata's, it's even more confusing when you're left in a place when you actually start to convince yourself 'maybe it's me?' get the fuck outta here, it ain't you. In a way, people who you associate yourself with, make you. 

"Focus on you." - I need this tattooed on me..like on my eyelids or something. 

Spark of Emotion

He actually misses me damn what a pity, I can't get over how much that has hit me.
I think I sit here and just wonder 'does he really miss me?'
Or is it just a front like that usual mystery.
How I sit here and think if things were different,
How I sit here and think is that the love I miss?
Tears actually form as I sit here and think this
Cos I know I'm just human, and I have no witness
To understand my pain, and what I went through
from my sister crying and making me cry too
for so long I have wondered if I will get that love
the one where you hold on forever, but that ain't enough
for some people, pride and image is what they claim
to seek, as I learnt exposing my feelings was the shame
What a shame. Who to blame. Perhaps we're all just the same.