My motivation is going up and down

Okay time-out.

Let me just switch my phone off and think for a second.

I don't communicate well when I feel things getting on top of me. So I believe the best way to deliver my thoughts is to just write on here.

I have been through many applications and interviews lately, specifically within the journalism spectrum but I just have this feeling. Like, this feeling of not getting it. I don't care if you're rolling your eyes as you read this but I help the way I feel right now. Opportunities are endless, yeah..well so is disappointment. I mean, I know that's part of the journey to success. You're supposed to fail continuously until you reach that level of content. But, it's so much to handle. I have my mind set on just getting a position, somewhere, I don't give a bollocks if there's money or no money.

"I used to care about money until I realised money doesn't care about me." - Skepta

Yeah, I just read that on my twitter feed. It's so accurate for me right now.
I don't even know where I will be living next year.
I don't know where I want to go with my degree.
I don't know who's supporting me and who's not.

That's the confusion I feel right now.

I went for an interview yesterday and I was asked if I have a blog. I answered yes. Referring to my other blog which I use as a platform to showcase my work at university. Of course I know I should expand on it more. But, really? I am so indecisive. It takes time for my mind to settle for something.

Right now, I know I can't wright. I just know I can't. Even the people yesterday said my title ideas weren't so captivating yet the content sounds like it has potential.

Well...what the fuck does that mean. Just tell me i'm shit and i'll be gone with the wind. (fabulous).

My writing style isn't for the elite. It's just how I write. I write how I want to.
And if I feel incredibly passionate about something I write even better.

So what the heck. Lord knows where I am going with this right now. But I just want to get it right. I just want someone to finally realise "fuck, she's serious".

It's 09.43am

Every time you think you are going right just know that there's a motherfucking left somewhere, ready to spit on your journey.

You're thinking, 'But is it that deep?' Well yeah? It is. There's no time to write five paragraphs on ways to guide you through self-help bullshit, so instead I'll just keep writing about situations where you can relate.

It seems as though you have made a friend who wants to get closer and closer, but really all you're thinking is "get out of here". 

You have a massive workload and you think you'd do it bit by bit, but you leave it to the last minute praying it'll sound good anyway.

You'll get that text after 56 days of staring at your phone and it will read 'I miss you', bitch are you kidding.

You soon realise maybe you are beginning to invest time in the wrong things, well then just change it?

BTW I ain't moaning about nothing, it's what I have seen around me that is making me agitated. Cannot stand being around pessimism, always negativity and people having to say shit about you. Keep talking though, I actually love it. I once (2012) walked past two people talking about me and I pretended I didn't hear a thing. Why pretend? There is no time to pretend about shit like that. Just simple rudeness is getting on my tata's, it's even more confusing when you're left in a place when you actually start to convince yourself 'maybe it's me?' get the fuck outta here, it ain't you. In a way, people who you associate yourself with, make you. 

"Focus on you." - I need this tattooed on me..like on my eyelids or something. 

Poetic

I know I can be quiet but

My head does all the talking 

Never one to judge but

What can you do when they're staring 

Had a busy life then 

It just turned into dreaming

Wondering where I'll be in 5

Years is what I keep thinking

Family will always be there

But I just keep running

From all the whispers and laughing 

The screaming and barking

Want a hug in the cold but

They're too busy loving

Constantly smiling at life

But don't they get my feeling?

Always one to open up but

When I do the doors keep closing

What light at the end of the tunnel?

When I'm the candle that's burning

10 seconds ago these

Words were on my ceiling 

And now they're sitting on lines

As I stand at my window, glass steaming.