Finishing my first year at uni

(Note: 23/05/2014)


Within the first year of uni, there were lots of expectations that I didn't think would come along with the experience.


I didn't think I would click with two friends I didn't think I would make friends as easily as I have. I didn't think I would build my wall of a career that doesn't really seem solid at the minute. I didn't think I would bump into people that may potentially be in the rest of my life. I didn't think I would be handling money the way I am now. I didn't think I would be laughing as hard or falling as hard as I have a few times within this year. I didn't think it would get so deep that I would shed a tear and I didn't think I would abandon people who actually meant something so strong.


As loud as I have been the entire year was so silent. In a sense that now, sitting on this burgundy leather sofa in Sainsbury’s I can hear everything getting louder. I can hear children crying, I can hear a middle age crisis but above all I can hear myself. I'm screaming "why” Why did I experience the things I have, and why to such an extent that I have grown so much. Not in height, but in my mind I feel so much wiser. I feel like the experience has made me tougher than ever before. I have lived away from my family, my own mother, the one woman who introduced me to the world. This world of terror. Absolute terror.


I don't write these thoughts down so that one day they can be published. I write them because I truly feel that my words speak louder than anything that I say. At times like this, I have spent so much time understanding, I have spent so much time listening, I have then contemplated 'doing' and well let's say this is my journey.


A chapter of my journey that is soaring through thick pages. The pages are getting heavier and I'm getting tired. I just hope that something comes along and motivates me. I have a fire but it's not bright enough. "Hell is hot and fire is proven" words of Kendrick Lamar.


Yeah well, I'm feeling the fire, so I guess I was born on Mars.

Burning desire to write a poem

He just wanna smoke and fuck, so I guess we both speak Hebrew

Now he talking my language, but would it work when I ain’t Jew?

Rents due late, and so’s your love when we come through,

In due time we’ll cash all these memories

Stack all these memories, in my mind bank full of sanity

But your back’s turned to face me,

Face screwed up, back stabbing, always injure me

Injuries that A&E can’t stitch up, see...

The threads getting thicker, my words are getting quicker,

The bloods just iron bars, pump fist I'm a prisoner

In this dark world, I walk but run to find cover

Under my cover, stand cover when my eyes close,

The only warmth was your hand and now it’s the fire that’s under me

Ash in my eyes, sting from the morgue

Where our past lays, ashes to ashes,

No dust to dust,

Cos the dust is in my lungs, I suffocate in the prison,

But the bars break-up like us,

Like me, like you, like what the fuck

Fuck feelings, flippin' weight on my sanity,

And your carcass rots as I run free. 

-Asma Qureshi

My relationship with time

I don't seem to find the time to write on my blog as frequently as I would want to, but I think that is purely because I am always busy doing other things. Also, my blog is mostly for reflection...nowadays I seem to forget to reflect.

Yes, I have faced a heavy work load over the past week and I sit to ponder, when will I find time to chill and make time for myself. Yeah I won't go on to bore you...in fact I just want to say...

I learn things everyday, it seems like I am making it up, but it's true. I experience things and when I do, I mentally take note. You know, at times we sacrifice our thought process for others, the people that we prioritize. I have always done it, maybe you have too. These people are the ones we choose to think about, isn't that weird? There's billions of people we meet on an everyday basis, people we exchange two words with or even those people who you have known for a lifetime, and suddenly they pop into your head.

It freaks us out sometimes. You then decide to carry on thinking about them, or you choose to block it out. I always pick the second option, not because I am selfish, but because I am careful. The mind is too powerful to think about someone. This is because personally, when I think, I then imagine and then I fight patience.

Reality dominates imagination. That's what kills me. No wonder my dreams are always realistic. I think it's because I don't allow myself to hallucinate 'what life would be like if...'  that thought is lethal.

One thing I do believe is that, your relationship with your time reflects you. I don't know how, and I can't explain why...I just totally believe in it. And for me I am punctual but patient. That is what I am. And with that said, I conclude by saying that...
                                                With time it'll turn out just great.

It's 09.43am

Every time you think you are going right just know that there's a motherfucking left somewhere, ready to spit on your journey.

You're thinking, 'But is it that deep?' Well yeah? It is. There's no time to write five paragraphs on ways to guide you through self-help bullshit, so instead I'll just keep writing about situations where you can relate.

It seems as though you have made a friend who wants to get closer and closer, but really all you're thinking is "get out of here". 

You have a massive workload and you think you'd do it bit by bit, but you leave it to the last minute praying it'll sound good anyway.

You'll get that text after 56 days of staring at your phone and it will read 'I miss you', bitch are you kidding.

You soon realise maybe you are beginning to invest time in the wrong things, well then just change it?

BTW I ain't moaning about nothing, it's what I have seen around me that is making me agitated. Cannot stand being around pessimism, always negativity and people having to say shit about you. Keep talking though, I actually love it. I once (2012) walked past two people talking about me and I pretended I didn't hear a thing. Why pretend? There is no time to pretend about shit like that. Just simple rudeness is getting on my tata's, it's even more confusing when you're left in a place when you actually start to convince yourself 'maybe it's me?' get the fuck outta here, it ain't you. In a way, people who you associate yourself with, make you. 

"Focus on you." - I need this tattooed on me..like on my eyelids or something. 

Poetic

I know I can be quiet but

My head does all the talking 

Never one to judge but

What can you do when they're staring 

Had a busy life then 

It just turned into dreaming

Wondering where I'll be in 5

Years is what I keep thinking

Family will always be there

But I just keep running

From all the whispers and laughing 

The screaming and barking

Want a hug in the cold but

They're too busy loving

Constantly smiling at life

But don't they get my feeling?

Always one to open up but

When I do the doors keep closing

What light at the end of the tunnel?

When I'm the candle that's burning

10 seconds ago these

Words were on my ceiling 

And now they're sitting on lines

As I stand at my window, glass steaming.