Probably the last post of 2013

I am sat here after eating the combination of a a hot sweet Latte and a ginger biscuit. I am now warm, sat at my usual spot in my room. Once again, I look around and everything, every inch reminds me of a memory I have had. Whether it was last year...or years before that.

I have a colour piece to write.
(Sake..why is there a red line underneath 'colour' *sigh* American's trying to be funny again.)
Thing is...our module is so corrupt, that we literally jump into new forms of writing without any proper preparation, perhaps that's their way of testing us? I dunno, it aggravates me at times, because... 1) I know I'll be penalized however I write 2) incorporating my ideas into professional prose is not my thing at all.

If I write..I do it out of my own feeling, my own will, the way I want to, not the way you want it. (Sigh) Going into the professional field is daunting, it just makes you realise that you will be pushed around, regardless of whether you will like it or not. Just now, I read on the Guardian that Al-Jazeera journalists were killed in Egypt. *Looks up at the sky* Why..oh why did I have to read that? I need motivation...not a heart attack.

*Laughs at self* My back is against the radiator..that is switched off...lord help me.

Yeah blah blah 2014 in N hours..whatever. This is, yet again, the time when people start to make resolutions and try to stick to them, then fail after the first 12 hours. Will I have one?..I don't know. Do I want one?...Yeah that'd be cool. It would be nice to have a goal and stick to it..then celebrate emotionally once I have accomplished it! Well this year, my aim was to get to university..TICK. Maybe I will have to look back at my previous posts...I am sure I have written something about my other goals for 2013.

This is the time to sit and stare out of your window and just breathe. Because Semester 2 is going to bite like a female dog. I can feel it, I am prepared. I just hope I get my work done without all the drama last semester. It was amazing though.

Semester 1: "Get to know" Semester 2: "Now you know"

^ That's how I like to put it. Okay enough of university... (sometimes it feels like that's all I talk about)

Where am I at? Well I went to Motown *screams*. I had to Google that beforehand, but yeah it was nice. Just to get away again, that rebellious feeling of just going out. *looks up at forehead* *devil horns start to appear* I shall base my Colour Piece on that night.

It was crazy, middle aged people dancing among Mia and I.  Us, just swaying our way through all the Soul bangers, from Jackson 5, to Marvin Gaye. Does it sound wack? Well it wasn't. You had to be there..the endless attempts to push past the crowds at the till, drinks menus stuck to the bar and drowned in liquor. Spot lights, green, pink and yellow blinding everyone around you, the squared dance floor guiding your every move, mums and dads laughing and cheering, guys in groups peering at the girl with her jugs on show, plasma screens displaying the current artist, the DJ's fingers steaming off the Vinyls, lonely drunk men...hallucinating their ex wives probably. Lipstick stains on the bathroom mirrors, floor sticky and sweet, drink straws hanging onto your shoes, cigarette smoke outside the doors, a fit guy with an Afro and septum piercing..he had a girl on either side of him (urgh), tragic clothing on this woman looking 60...a woman with faded blue hair...faded because she is a mother of twins at home you see...an African uncle peering over the crowd..our eyes met twice and I shivered both times...oh and Ryan Dix..an old school friend haha.

I could go on but if I am really honest I cannot be bothered, my finger tips are going blue and I need to turn this radiator on. Other than that, a banana is waiting to be eaten. That was not a sexual innuendo...but if you laughed I hope it was silent and if you didn't laugh...then you are very mature I envy you.

Bring on 2014 woohooo.

Observing on the London Midland

8.33pm 17 dec mon

Wow currently just sat here on a London midland train and oh for goodness sake as much I adore the arabic language..the people are just so loud. My headphones are in however I just cannot deafen their 3's I can't do it. Hahaha they were actually taking pictures with a Samsung phone (which I am used to because of Lauren) the sound of the flash and even worse... the flash itself just blaring out and reflecting in the window. I am sat here with my body turned to my right and I can just see everything they are doing in the window. I am also pretty sure that they were laughing and saying Astagfirullah when I put my headphones in. That was pretty comedic I have to say. I am sat in a double seat with two seats in front facing me. On those two seats are two Chinese women who are currently checking me out as I type ever so quickly, yep. That's me. Pro. I'm sure in their mind they're thinking ..*what a long text* but nahh

This is just me writing all my thoughts down and I can hear this dude on my left look this way. Yeah I should reach my destination in about 40 minutes. I am tired, having dragged myself with three bags full of my belongings.
I am sure the men think I am Arab, the man next to me keeps wanting to look at my face and it's just not working because I keep looking into the window even more. I just heard the two words 'listening Arabic' oh my.. I don't even know LOL.
*looks into window* 
Oh the man in my sight is on the phone. The Chinese women sat in front of me are dressed weird. One in a leopard print bomber jacket and the other wearing bright pink converse. Hmm.
The man's phone is running out of battery haha. He just said 'B minus' perhaps he's a doctor? He looks like one.
I am listening to Pusha T's album. And just smiling at the thought of eating home made food made only by my mothers hands. Beautiful.
He just said 'terminal 4' maybe someone is traveling here to join them, it definitely sounds like they are on holiday. 
See I would have converted all these thought into a 140 character tweet but I have run out of internet.
The white man that was sat with them has left at the stop 'Berkhamsted' so the other men have moved up and are in my view too. 

Okay enough of writing I think the Chinese women may start to think I am mad or something haha. Wow what a semester, my first semester. L, C, J, O, J. 

Arabs are good looking aren't they.

Yeah, it's been a heaven of a journey, can't wait to relax and f around with my siblings! Ah I'm smiling. Family then friends. That's what I didn't get before. Now I do. 
My Extra Ice chewing gum is giving me a brain freeze and an appetite. 

Okay till next time. Deuces London. ️

Spark of Emotion

He actually misses me damn what a pity, I can't get over how much that has hit me.
I think I sit here and just wonder 'does he really miss me?'
Or is it just a front like that usual mystery.
How I sit here and think if things were different,
How I sit here and think is that the love I miss?
Tears actually form as I sit here and think this
Cos I know I'm just human, and I have no witness
To understand my pain, and what I went through
from my sister crying and making me cry too
for so long I have wondered if I will get that love
the one where you hold on forever, but that ain't enough
for some people, pride and image is what they claim
to seek, as I learnt exposing my feelings was the shame
What a shame. Who to blame. Perhaps we're all just the same.

Sour

*Starring in the mirror*

I'm sitting in that room in university, doing something cool in it
Doing it better than anybody I ever seen do it
Screams from the fire bell, got a ratchet ring to it
I guess every hot gyal needs reminding
That no one person should have all that sour
To make you feel shit, gosh I'm only getting louder
Stop thinking, cos I'm thinking 'they just being sour' (2013 coming to an end)
My mind's open, the school is bruk, now the future's open
I got nothing to lose, cos i'm not even balling
Huh? cos i'm not even balling
I need an internship and a box of Thorntons
In this white girl fame, they make you feel chosen
So wake up, false hope, lol who am I fooling
Huh? lol Who am I fooling
This is just too much, I need a caution.

(( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ouwCWDbBskU ))

Panama - How we Feel

I am lost in this song. Listen and watch it, you'll understand.

Got you didn't it?

I want a lesbian friend

Okay okay before I start working on my Media and Society essay. Just one thing.
Regardless of having to go outside due to a fire drill, I was interested in a conversation between these three girls in front of me as I stood against the wall with my hair hiding all the 'natural beauty' I was revealing.

She threw away her cigarette box as she lit the last one she had in her hand, and she started talking. At first it was the generic thoughts of everyone at that present time, i.e why are we out here at this time of the morning when we can't see nor smell a fire. Then she started talking about a dream, which she then corrected herself, saying she had a nightmare.

The two girls that stood with her were smoking as well, one had finished hers and the other was half way through it. Ash was flying my way but I was too intrigued by her nightmare.

"I had a nightmare that you cheated on me." This is when my brain clocked, lesbian. She went on...
"Yeah I thought you cheated on me by sleeping with her" *she pointed at the girl stood next to her*
"Then I asked you in real life and you were like 'oh nahh I'm not a bad person I wouldn't do that', but then I said 'yeah but you were a bad person in my nightmare'!" *they all start laughing*

It's a small thing isn't it. A small detail of my day that I actually found interesting. You see, I am guilty of living in this world where everyone is so different that I have no time to stop and realize, 'ah shit'.

I found it so cool, like I never stopped to think, (this is not me being patronizing or naive) ofcourse I know there are gay relationships, but I didn't think of it as a serious matter. I'm just being honest. I am straight and single lol so I don't ponder on these kinda issues. But yeah, it got to me.

Recently I actually wrote about the ethical issue of the lack of lesbians on screen. How they are underrepresented in the media and whether this will change.

I agree to an extent, but I am a realist, so my argument is...no one really goes on screen and says "hi, today you are watching ____ and my name is _____ and oh btw I'm straight! Or by the way I am single, or married, or female, or gay." You know what I mean?

It's not the first thing you say, perhaps for some people certain aspects of their persona are important to them, I think what you feel is important about yourself, is when teachers would say "Okay, we're going round the class, introduce yourself with your name and two things about you"

Ironically I do not remember what I used to say because I am confident that I'd change my answer every year. Interestingly, If I was asked that now, in this moment in time, I'd say..

"Hi, my name is Asma, I am 19 and I currently I am in my first year at university."

How boring right?

But I think they are the two things important to me right now. I dunno why.

But yeah anyway, back to my essay reading on 'How does the media challenge/reinforce traditional ideas about gender?' which requires reading 8 sources, oh boy.

Reality just Sharquisha'd me in face as I realize I only have one chocolate digestive left.

Fun.

Poetic

I know I can be quiet but

My head does all the talking 

Never one to judge but

What can you do when they're staring 

Had a busy life then 

It just turned into dreaming

Wondering where I'll be in 5

Years is what I keep thinking

Family will always be there

But I just keep running

From all the whispers and laughing 

The screaming and barking

Want a hug in the cold but

They're too busy loving

Constantly smiling at life

But don't they get my feeling?

Always one to open up but

When I do the doors keep closing

What light at the end of the tunnel?

When I'm the candle that's burning

10 seconds ago these

Words were on my ceiling 

And now they're sitting on lines

As I stand at my window, glass steaming.