Let me just rant for a bit

Don't underestimate me or assume that I now am something that i'm not. Shit man.
Why be like that, it takes time and patience to realise what you have..and usually you realise what you had till it's gone. Yeah if you click that you know.

Seriously, I can't be bothered, you make so much effort with people and they have the audacity to let you go. But...what if I'm gone tomorrow, what then? There's no time to hold shit in, what the hell do you have to lose. Do you have Drake's reputation, that maybe if you say how you feel you'll be laughed at. Please.

Balls were made for a reason. God said 'shit let me give you these so you can feel like a true man when your voice drops'. But nah, it's like you're just staring at your balls thinking they're going to feel themself. No life don't work like that. Everyday having to go through emotions is long. But we all do it, why hide. You saying how you feel is being human.

Shame if you can't do that though, cuh I ain't fucking with no one if you fuckin with me. Period.

It's 09.43am

Every time you think you are going right just know that there's a motherfucking left somewhere, ready to spit on your journey.

You're thinking, 'But is it that deep?' Well yeah? It is. There's no time to write five paragraphs on ways to guide you through self-help bullshit, so instead I'll just keep writing about situations where you can relate.

It seems as though you have made a friend who wants to get closer and closer, but really all you're thinking is "get out of here". 

You have a massive workload and you think you'd do it bit by bit, but you leave it to the last minute praying it'll sound good anyway.

You'll get that text after 56 days of staring at your phone and it will read 'I miss you', bitch are you kidding.

You soon realise maybe you are beginning to invest time in the wrong things, well then just change it?

BTW I ain't moaning about nothing, it's what I have seen around me that is making me agitated. Cannot stand being around pessimism, always negativity and people having to say shit about you. Keep talking though, I actually love it. I once (2012) walked past two people talking about me and I pretended I didn't hear a thing. Why pretend? There is no time to pretend about shit like that. Just simple rudeness is getting on my tata's, it's even more confusing when you're left in a place when you actually start to convince yourself 'maybe it's me?' get the fuck outta here, it ain't you. In a way, people who you associate yourself with, make you. 

"Focus on you." - I need this tattooed on me..like on my eyelids or something. 

Will Time Tell?

I wrote this in my notebook on the 9th of January and whatever motivated me to write it is probably the notion of life.

'In this generation there's too many games. 

Everyone is a player, playing their own game.. multi-player, single player, board game, interactive game you name it. 

Everyone is eager to start one then everyone is scared to finish it. 

No-one dares to finish the game because being a loser is no longer a threat.

The thing is we all want to win. 

But someone has got to lose and everyone is pretending they're winning.'

Confused? Yeah me too. I like it though, so regardless of your opinion, you have read it, thanks.

I made a "Sho" friend

Yeah so like, Leicester Square is a right sight, you can see everyone of all shapes and sizes there. I don't know why I just said that. Anyway, you know what I mean. The first thing I read was 'There is no darkness but ignorance.' I don't know why that is significant, but I made it sound like it would influence my day somehow. I tried to take a impressive i-phone quality picture of the statue, but the sun and a happy family next to me didn't allow me to do so.

Hmm yeah after doing about 7 360's, food and a few laughs...

Suppose you're in a park, its pitch black but the sky is looking a little pretty. The city lights are peeping through the swarm of trees protecting you, and well it's pretty much silent. Reached a cross road at one point, I learnt that three lefts make a right and was reminded how much fun it can be just having a conversation y'know. A conversation about Earth, just real grounded stuff. Yeah looking at the ducks..(whatever bird breed they were) was interesting, made the scenario into a crips and bloods scene. But you, as a reader are not cool enough to interpret such a normal sight into something so bowsy. Two officers then walked past and said that park gates were closed, yes! That once in a life time opportunity to climb over a gate y'know. I jumped shouting "yes". I don't know, maybe that's my inner child coming out.

Well that's me, always looking to have fun. But I suppose you're wondering where the hell is this post going? Let's just say...experiences shape who you are right? Sometimes you choose an experience and at other times the experience comes to you. lol I'm just chatting poo now which is slyly making some sense.

I think if I want to overcome one thing, it is to combat the hesitation of making a choice.

I just had to get this Ted Baker coat

Arriva Bus- 02.42pm:

So as I arrived at the bus stop there was a man eating a chicken and bacon sandwich, he asked me what the time was and I said 2.13, the bus was due in just over 10 minutes.

Great having to share breathing space with a man who likes to eat when he talks and cough without covering his mouth. Then I started doing my usual analyzing of my surroundings..I predicted a school boy would get off the bus stop opposite me and then take a trip to the chicken shop..and I was right, I smiled at my own little success. Anyway as I stared down the road, every single vehicle in the world approached.. a helicopter flew over even a JCB truck, but no bus. I then realized I was sighing every two minutes, no wonder the man kept staring at me. I am in the juggernaught of a bus right now, it is trembling my brain cells and I hope I have enough to last me hopping today. I need to find a black Parker coat with a fur hood, you have no idea how hard that is. I await a text from mevish as I was running so late. Was supposed to make CMK for half 2 and it is utterly half two. Oh dear, the curse of colour people time has got to me. The girl sat in front of me is wearing exactly what i need but hers is a chav version as I can smell Charlie Red and her roots are dyed red. Just checked whether I was sat in the disabled seats, I always have a habit of doing that, I don't intend to, I just feel like I need medical advice sometimes. Hahah how can I say that? Okay I am thirsty my throat is dry with tobacco residue that was dancing in the bus shelter. Yep just went past Maria's Fish Bar, nearly there, hopefully it shall be a blessed day. I just spotted a woman with reflective pink trainers. Okay now I pray hard that it's a good day. 

Home- 09.48pm: it was a good day! 

FAM-I (don't) Love You

"Let's go to your aunts" she said. "People visit family all the time Asma, that's what being a family is all about."

Okay. Hold the fuck up what.

Me, yes I am a family person...if that means to stay in your own household and act like a complete goon within the walls of my own flesh and blood. But if a 'family person' means having to visit other people...you know what I mean. That aunt who has 3 kids now. The uncle who recently wed that hoe. The cousin who is pregnant. The long one hour drive to that random woman, who saw you 10 years ago. That whole package, are you with me?

I stood at the glass stained door only to fear the smells that are about to cling onto my military coat. The stench threw itself on me as I entered the door. I look back to see my mum put a smile on (you know them happy family ones) and I was not going to smile back. Don't get me wrong, I like seeing family...if they care about you that is. If they remember your birthday and notice that you aren't at school anymore and that you are a grown adult. So I shook hands and french kissed all the women and greeted the children. The baby started crying as soon as I walked past it, so they made some next excuse like..."oh she's just getting to know you haha". Haha. No. Does it look like I have 'lets be friends' on my forehead? So I sat down, the TV was off (great nothing to look at) so I began to scan the walls and what they displayed on them. There were artificial flowers and paintings of idealic sceneries. Little stone birds perched on their mantle piece and a whiteboard with Arabic on it placed just behind. My aunt sat next to me and dropped the 'how are studies going?'...that one question that my parents don't really bother with. I answered with a smile and said they're alright and then outlined the basics of my course at university. She smiled with pride, that was humbling. From the corner of my eye the baby started making it's way towards me, I got up without a care and wanted to check out what the other walls looked like. lol.

On the plus the food was alright, but I just saw all these numbers rushing around me..all them calories and saturated fats just put me off. Played Ludo with one of the girls, yeah that was pleasant as it brought back memories of being 6 and playing board games all day long. Then I spotted some glitter gel pens, another leaf in the chapter of my younger days. I then starred at my siblings drawing, then all of a sudden I wanted to draw to, but then changed my mind and had a great urge to write a poem. It was called "No Broom in the Room"- the title is pretty self explanatory. Yeah the girls laughed whilst reading it. At last that feeling of naturally laughing seeped into my emotions and I laughed too. Hmm..then time passed, I look across the living room and my parents are now watching the news...politics. Yawn. Then I made my way to the front door and we left. My aunt said "Till next time...probably Easter yeah?" I nodded with a 'yeah' and she concluded with that heart warming "Take care."

This post doesn't really have much to say to be honest. But it's an emotion within me that I can hardly put into straight forward English, I mean right now I feel deceived and angry. You will frown and think "but why?" that's another question that I can't get across either. But somehow coming home and running into my room to write about it just takes a weight off. A weight that is made up of family tradition, neglect, unbalance, unfulfillment, vomit and claustrophobia.

I am encased in this cocoon of pretence, London is calling my name; I am not a celebrity but get me the fuck out of here!!!

[if you didn't get anything...don't worry you weren't meant to]