Probably the last post of 2013

I am sat here after eating the combination of a a hot sweet Latte and a ginger biscuit. I am now warm, sat at my usual spot in my room. Once again, I look around and everything, every inch reminds me of a memory I have had. Whether it was last year...or years before that.

I have a colour piece to write.
(Sake..why is there a red line underneath 'colour' *sigh* American's trying to be funny again.)
Thing is...our module is so corrupt, that we literally jump into new forms of writing without any proper preparation, perhaps that's their way of testing us? I dunno, it aggravates me at times, because... 1) I know I'll be penalized however I write 2) incorporating my ideas into professional prose is not my thing at all.

If I write..I do it out of my own feeling, my own will, the way I want to, not the way you want it. (Sigh) Going into the professional field is daunting, it just makes you realise that you will be pushed around, regardless of whether you will like it or not. Just now, I read on the Guardian that Al-Jazeera journalists were killed in Egypt. *Looks up at the sky* Why..oh why did I have to read that? I need motivation...not a heart attack.

*Laughs at self* My back is against the radiator..that is switched off...lord help me.

Yeah blah blah 2014 in N hours..whatever. This is, yet again, the time when people start to make resolutions and try to stick to them, then fail after the first 12 hours. Will I have one?..I don't know. Do I want one?...Yeah that'd be cool. It would be nice to have a goal and stick to it..then celebrate emotionally once I have accomplished it! Well this year, my aim was to get to university..TICK. Maybe I will have to look back at my previous posts...I am sure I have written something about my other goals for 2013.

This is the time to sit and stare out of your window and just breathe. Because Semester 2 is going to bite like a female dog. I can feel it, I am prepared. I just hope I get my work done without all the drama last semester. It was amazing though.

Semester 1: "Get to know" Semester 2: "Now you know"

^ That's how I like to put it. Okay enough of university... (sometimes it feels like that's all I talk about)

Where am I at? Well I went to Motown *screams*. I had to Google that beforehand, but yeah it was nice. Just to get away again, that rebellious feeling of just going out. *looks up at forehead* *devil horns start to appear* I shall base my Colour Piece on that night.

It was crazy, middle aged people dancing among Mia and I.  Us, just swaying our way through all the Soul bangers, from Jackson 5, to Marvin Gaye. Does it sound wack? Well it wasn't. You had to be there..the endless attempts to push past the crowds at the till, drinks menus stuck to the bar and drowned in liquor. Spot lights, green, pink and yellow blinding everyone around you, the squared dance floor guiding your every move, mums and dads laughing and cheering, guys in groups peering at the girl with her jugs on show, plasma screens displaying the current artist, the DJ's fingers steaming off the Vinyls, lonely drunk men...hallucinating their ex wives probably. Lipstick stains on the bathroom mirrors, floor sticky and sweet, drink straws hanging onto your shoes, cigarette smoke outside the doors, a fit guy with an Afro and septum piercing..he had a girl on either side of him (urgh), tragic clothing on this woman looking 60...a woman with faded blue hair...faded because she is a mother of twins at home you see...an African uncle peering over the crowd..our eyes met twice and I shivered both times...oh and Ryan Dix..an old school friend haha.

I could go on but if I am really honest I cannot be bothered, my finger tips are going blue and I need to turn this radiator on. Other than that, a banana is waiting to be eaten. That was not a sexual innuendo...but if you laughed I hope it was silent and if you didn't laugh...then you are very mature I envy you.

Bring on 2014 woohooo.

Observing on the London Midland

8.33pm 17 dec mon

Wow currently just sat here on a London midland train and oh for goodness sake as much I adore the arabic language..the people are just so loud. My headphones are in however I just cannot deafen their 3's I can't do it. Hahaha they were actually taking pictures with a Samsung phone (which I am used to because of Lauren) the sound of the flash and even worse... the flash itself just blaring out and reflecting in the window. I am sat here with my body turned to my right and I can just see everything they are doing in the window. I am also pretty sure that they were laughing and saying Astagfirullah when I put my headphones in. That was pretty comedic I have to say. I am sat in a double seat with two seats in front facing me. On those two seats are two Chinese women who are currently checking me out as I type ever so quickly, yep. That's me. Pro. I'm sure in their mind they're thinking ..*what a long text* but nahh

This is just me writing all my thoughts down and I can hear this dude on my left look this way. Yeah I should reach my destination in about 40 minutes. I am tired, having dragged myself with three bags full of my belongings.
I am sure the men think I am Arab, the man next to me keeps wanting to look at my face and it's just not working because I keep looking into the window even more. I just heard the two words 'listening Arabic' oh my.. I don't even know LOL.
*looks into window* 
Oh the man in my sight is on the phone. The Chinese women sat in front of me are dressed weird. One in a leopard print bomber jacket and the other wearing bright pink converse. Hmm.
The man's phone is running out of battery haha. He just said 'B minus' perhaps he's a doctor? He looks like one.
I am listening to Pusha T's album. And just smiling at the thought of eating home made food made only by my mothers hands. Beautiful.
He just said 'terminal 4' maybe someone is traveling here to join them, it definitely sounds like they are on holiday. 
See I would have converted all these thought into a 140 character tweet but I have run out of internet.
The white man that was sat with them has left at the stop 'Berkhamsted' so the other men have moved up and are in my view too. 

Okay enough of writing I think the Chinese women may start to think I am mad or something haha. Wow what a semester, my first semester. L, C, J, O, J. 

Arabs are good looking aren't they.

Yeah, it's been a heaven of a journey, can't wait to relax and f around with my siblings! Ah I'm smiling. Family then friends. That's what I didn't get before. Now I do. 
My Extra Ice chewing gum is giving me a brain freeze and an appetite. 

Okay till next time. Deuces London. ️

Spark of Emotion

He actually misses me damn what a pity, I can't get over how much that has hit me.
I think I sit here and just wonder 'does he really miss me?'
Or is it just a front like that usual mystery.
How I sit here and think if things were different,
How I sit here and think is that the love I miss?
Tears actually form as I sit here and think this
Cos I know I'm just human, and I have no witness
To understand my pain, and what I went through
from my sister crying and making me cry too
for so long I have wondered if I will get that love
the one where you hold on forever, but that ain't enough
for some people, pride and image is what they claim
to seek, as I learnt exposing my feelings was the shame
What a shame. Who to blame. Perhaps we're all just the same.

Sour

*Starring in the mirror*

I'm sitting in that room in university, doing something cool in it
Doing it better than anybody I ever seen do it
Screams from the fire bell, got a ratchet ring to it
I guess every hot gyal needs reminding
That no one person should have all that sour
To make you feel shit, gosh I'm only getting louder
Stop thinking, cos I'm thinking 'they just being sour' (2013 coming to an end)
My mind's open, the school is bruk, now the future's open
I got nothing to lose, cos i'm not even balling
Huh? cos i'm not even balling
I need an internship and a box of Thorntons
In this white girl fame, they make you feel chosen
So wake up, false hope, lol who am I fooling
Huh? lol Who am I fooling
This is just too much, I need a caution.

(( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ouwCWDbBskU ))

Panama - How we Feel

I am lost in this song. Listen and watch it, you'll understand.

Got you didn't it?

I want a lesbian friend

Okay okay before I start working on my Media and Society essay. Just one thing.
Regardless of having to go outside due to a fire drill, I was interested in a conversation between these three girls in front of me as I stood against the wall with my hair hiding all the 'natural beauty' I was revealing.

She threw away her cigarette box as she lit the last one she had in her hand, and she started talking. At first it was the generic thoughts of everyone at that present time, i.e why are we out here at this time of the morning when we can't see nor smell a fire. Then she started talking about a dream, which she then corrected herself, saying she had a nightmare.

The two girls that stood with her were smoking as well, one had finished hers and the other was half way through it. Ash was flying my way but I was too intrigued by her nightmare.

"I had a nightmare that you cheated on me." This is when my brain clocked, lesbian. She went on...
"Yeah I thought you cheated on me by sleeping with her" *she pointed at the girl stood next to her*
"Then I asked you in real life and you were like 'oh nahh I'm not a bad person I wouldn't do that', but then I said 'yeah but you were a bad person in my nightmare'!" *they all start laughing*

It's a small thing isn't it. A small detail of my day that I actually found interesting. You see, I am guilty of living in this world where everyone is so different that I have no time to stop and realize, 'ah shit'.

I found it so cool, like I never stopped to think, (this is not me being patronizing or naive) ofcourse I know there are gay relationships, but I didn't think of it as a serious matter. I'm just being honest. I am straight and single lol so I don't ponder on these kinda issues. But yeah, it got to me.

Recently I actually wrote about the ethical issue of the lack of lesbians on screen. How they are underrepresented in the media and whether this will change.

I agree to an extent, but I am a realist, so my argument is...no one really goes on screen and says "hi, today you are watching ____ and my name is _____ and oh btw I'm straight! Or by the way I am single, or married, or female, or gay." You know what I mean?

It's not the first thing you say, perhaps for some people certain aspects of their persona are important to them, I think what you feel is important about yourself, is when teachers would say "Okay, we're going round the class, introduce yourself with your name and two things about you"

Ironically I do not remember what I used to say because I am confident that I'd change my answer every year. Interestingly, If I was asked that now, in this moment in time, I'd say..

"Hi, my name is Asma, I am 19 and I currently I am in my first year at university."

How boring right?

But I think they are the two things important to me right now. I dunno why.

But yeah anyway, back to my essay reading on 'How does the media challenge/reinforce traditional ideas about gender?' which requires reading 8 sources, oh boy.

Reality just Sharquisha'd me in face as I realize I only have one chocolate digestive left.

Fun.

Poetic

I know I can be quiet but

My head does all the talking 

Never one to judge but

What can you do when they're staring 

Had a busy life then 

It just turned into dreaming

Wondering where I'll be in 5

Years is what I keep thinking

Family will always be there

But I just keep running

From all the whispers and laughing 

The screaming and barking

Want a hug in the cold but

They're too busy loving

Constantly smiling at life

But don't they get my feeling?

Always one to open up but

When I do the doors keep closing

What light at the end of the tunnel?

When I'm the candle that's burning

10 seconds ago these

Words were on my ceiling 

And now they're sitting on lines

As I stand at my window, glass steaming. 

I'm no Vincent Van Gogh, Picasso or Henry Moore, but I try

When I'm not talking, eating or working I draw. 

2012, Muhhamed Ali Jinnah- (worst ears) Pencil

2012, Me in Freedom- Charcoal

 2012, Head-scarfed art student- Acrylic

 2011, My brother and sister- Bed sheets

 2009, GCSE: Fruit - Mix Media

 2012, Trapped Eye- Biro

 2013, Usher Raymond in court- Pencil

 2013, Che Guevara- Pencil

 2013, Missy Elliot- Biro

2013, Malcolm X, Kanye West, Common & J. Cole- Pencil

It's weird to put all my work together.

I love detail and textures, It's my thang.

Drawing is a 1/4 of my escapism.

What's yours?

I like it loud

I have been awake since 12pm yesterday. I sat up all night waiting for the internet to resurrect from the depths of my despair but no.

Thoughts kept me up. 

Music was playing, some playlist on soundcloud which I will not mention for the fear of being judged. 

It was chill. I sat here drawing and writing and gazing out of my window at the moon. Thinking about those scenarios that you want to happen.

Yeah... I'm no John Keats, but when I start thinking, I shit you not, a poem starts forming in my head.

The conversion of my thoughts into lines that won't ever make sense to you. 

I turn him on, he's always showing it.

And I love it when he's loud during the day, but the soothing whispers in the night are so perfect.

It's only when it's just me and him that the whole world is forgotten. 

My mind is just on him and it's magical.

I pay so much attention to him, I sometimes wish he would talk more...

Like if I asked a question, I'd want him to answer, he has no soul

but he answers me in other ways.

Ways that make me feel noticed.

One to one.

Perhaps they hear us, they've never seen us though.

I value privacy. But he likes attention so I don't think he'd mind going public.

I always notice his veins that pulse this energy, that drive.

His deep notes always hop in my ears.

We'll always have this connection.

I know it, I will take him everywhere I go...well only if they have sockets.

He is so clean I'd never want to get him dirty on anyone else's desk.

And I wish the wires were longer because I like distance sometimes.

Tomorrow is Sunday, he'll have a day off.

And I wish he could go louder, but security would hate me even more than they do now.

I dance to him though, everyday. He doesn't comment. So I dance more.

lmao, I knew personifying my speakers was a bad idea.

(Master)-your shape up first-(Chef)

Oh my,

why the fuck have I just sat here watching Master-chef when I should be focusing on polishing my presentation or just getting ready for my day.

I am so angry, 1) at the fact that this bitch of a woman thinks she's all this and that, on her high horse giving feedback like she has 100 DMs waiting for her. Then the bald prick who interrogates as if it were his job to.

No.

You can't have a program run like that.

I mean the guy said "I wouldn't lose sleep over it" - basically saying his dish was alright...

she goes..."I would"...

sorry?

Like what?

One black contestant...yes the One and only black contestant presented two dishes.

They frowned on it, because the judges were only allowed to taste one. Okay I get it.

So he took his desert away, and left them with his water cress soup.

Basically it was good, but no technical skill was shown.

He goes "ah yes chef I shall blah blah"

and she goes "You better or I'll hate you for good...*pause* just kidding"

Bitch who are you kidding?

What are you kidding?

Who are you fooling bitch?

Your shape-up is kidding.

Your anti nostrils are kidding.

Bitch, every facial expression you make is kidding evolution. Darwin...every theory known to man.

Like why did you pronounce 'Mas-ca-poniiiiii' in an elaborate Italian manner...then in front of the contestants you shorted it to 'mas-ca-pon' say what???

I mean yes that made me turn around, sit down, and stand up again.

You must be reading this thinking this girl is out of her mind.

I don't care. To be honest I have no one to tell here. Lonely, sitting in my Uni room, therefore I will write a blog post about it.

That is how my brain functions now. I tell you all my shit.

I'm just in the mood where I want to get my presentation done. I am hoping it goes well.

It's challenging but when  have I ever turned a challenge down aye?

My uni bed is uncomfortable

Well lets put it this way...I just feel like I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

Like I go to sleep on my uni bed and feel so uncomfortable, the springs are screaming get the fuck off me and I'm forcing myself onto them acting like 'this is the life n****' no.

Lectures are an hour long, or even longer. I couldn't stand sitting watching a teacher talk for 45 minutes let alone this. Everything sounds either too patronising or too complex. Expectations are okay but today made me just give my brain an ultimatum man. I am not calm at all and I will just let it out on this because lets face it who can I talk to about such shit like this.

Day after day I think to myself...I'll get used to it, it'll get better...I will settle.

Yeah if I believe in potential.

I feel drained all the time. My mind is running constantly like a computer monitor and if you don't shut me off I will keep running and running all day until I overheat ...and then there comes a point when I burn my insides out. No fan can cool that shit down.

I'm a person to get up and go. I can't sit still, I have to be questioned and challenged and you have to keep my engaged. I piss on the word 'passive' and my attention span is 0.

Okay wow ffs I'm just moaning let me stop.

Today something did inspire me...

came across this one individual who said

'If you believe in something enough then there shouldn't be a plan b'

I liked that. You can question it, but I like it alot.
When you look at him you saw, black clothes, Jordans, beats and a chain.

I saw past that. Fuck the music, the Kanye West on the wall and his speakers. I wanna know why was he so eager to share this. They thought we just read his book but I only got the Illustrator.
It was a mask and I don't know why but everything he said was too generic, there was more and I can now only wonder to think what's to him.

He was cool. I know he wasn't fond of me. But that's cool, it only made me question him further.

Jollof rice is really nice

Hahahah So I just sat and watched the last episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, drama drama. Kenya Moore really is a character man, she just doesn’t know it.

Now I like to think it’s time to summarise my day. Well, behold...

I woke up late, then found I am going to the hairdressers with my sister, bought a costa, came home, went out again, walked ages, had a ice lolly, looked for food, couldn’t find any after being in both Tesco’s, then oh my gosh there it was, the most amazing place I have ever seen (within my 5 mile radius).

There were dark stairs on the left of a path that lead you to the bus stop. Everyone ignores it, until now. So I nervously walked up the stairs to find this was some hidden African restaurant. Inside me I had a feeling of anger, why had no one told me about this place before? Why now? God gave me a reason to not buy anything from Tesco I assure you. I stood at the bar and contemplated the idea of purchasing something. But this was before going to Tesco.

Anyway enough talk. We entered then, the second time to collect the food Nabila had ordered to take away. We then came to the conclusion that we were hungry, we are stood at this place, knowing they provide good quality food, so why not.

Oh I observed. The floor was dark tiles with tiny shards of glass that twinkled in the dim lighting. Spotlights organised in rows on the ceiling, the bar was framed in carved wood, almost like a Tudor timber frame was running throughout the whole interior. Mirrors were placed on every wall just to enhance this magical setting. Dark rectangular tables surrounded you with seats of 4 or 6. Ahead, two hot trolleys of buffet food waiting to be eaten. TV screens on parallel sides celebrating Congo music. The bar was naturally lit, shelves of Amaretto, Malibu, Vodka you name it, it was there, glasses from all shapes and sizes stood in rows. Innocent boxes of fruit juice stood side by side some Tequila.  It was beautiful.

I was told it livens up at 7 onwards. We went in around 6, it was empty and made me feel the same. One man was at a table with four bottles of Guinness under his chin. He was having a good time though. Ah, I cannot get over how beautiful it was. I admired that place so much, I can’t even put into words you know. It was beautiful. I ordered chicken and Jollof rice with a fruit cocktail. The cock tail...was hinted with coconut water and infused with juices, succulent pieces of grape, apple, pineapple, oh lord! I was blessed.

The meal was beautiful, I wish I can go there again just to re-live that moment, only this time with more people, I knew the floor was made for people to not just walk over it, but to dance on it. I spotted speakers dotted around the room. Yeah, that would be real thing right there. Oh it was so cool, temperature wise. I love that.

I admire that culture, every culture has its negatives I know, but to see that I’d forget everything and just celebrate it with my whole heart.

Damn.

Charity adverts drive me crazy

So in between watching Charmed an advert comes up.

What the heck.

Starving children, yes I get it, everyone does, give £2? yes I get it.

But come on morons.

You probably have a Nikon, Canon and the latest tripod with the biggest lens to ensure the advert is a hit yeah? You stand there focusing on tears and avoiding the flies that might interupt the shoot yeah?

On top of that you probably have a backpack that cost around 100 pounds that probably contains a six pack of Evian or Volvic for that matter.

Now some one explain that to me please.

Tell me why on earth can that go ahead yet the faintest advert has to tell people to give £2 a month.

Now here in England accorning to New Right, we live off benefits and we are totally welfare dependant.

We fix pot holes once a year. That broken lampost on your street corner is still ignored and your driveway will always have a new gang sign graffitied on it on the daily.

Now we have issues of immigration.

The New World Order makes no sense, and I haven't heard about the good of UN in ages.

Call me naive, unaware or blind, but I feel strongly about the welfare of developing countries.

Forget the stereotype of Africa, theres Bangladesh, Palestine, flipping Pakistan, but above all...Us?

We need to fix up man.

You know I ain't even a spokesperson, im just 18, bored about to watch Wives of Atlanta and erm, a rage just built up inside me.

I think it may have been something to do with coming downstairs from an awful head ache and wanting to make a coffee...but my milk was actually absent from the fridge.

My anger was contained, yet I beleive I let it out on the pegs..about 2 snapped whilst putting the clothes outside.


Anyhow enough babbling, I have no idea why there are many breakages between each sentence, i'm just not feeling paragraphs at the minute as you have noticed.

Right, adios.

Being white with Cream Tea

Had cream tea and it was the sex

Clotted cream, jam, mmm yeah yeah that's what you call afternoon tea darling.

Nettles determine whether you can take it like a man. I took it like a man.

Walked about 7 miles for an event, just to sit down and chill to acoustic. In the sun, with smiles all round and two girls that danced and sang real good! It was so relaxing and to think I could just sit there and know I can enjoy the freedom! Oh it was bliss. 

Awake as anything, haven't slept. The rain was too entertaining to listen to and now off I go and explore my podcast! So excited to learn some new things, I can't enough of learning! Love it. 

Oh and here's the moon. 

Ideology

Science 

Organizations 

NRM

New Age 

Church, D, S cults 

Social change and conflict

Fundamentalism 

Securalisation 

Modernity and post modernity 

I am so dead 

Prince Harry in Afghanistan

"to take a life is to safe a life"

Yeah, I get it. That is war.

Prince Harry's little documentary of his life in Afghanistan revealed how much he wants to be regarded as an equal to the rest of the army.

Now let us be real here. At the end of the day he is a person like us right? But then again he still has blue blood in him which will always remain in his character. Therefore he will never be like us.
The media drove his mother's life to a misery, paparazzi everywhere, just capturing every move.
Harry grew up with this, ironically he feels safe, away from all the media and it's ways of publicizing his life.

Is he entitled to privacy? That's the question that puzzles me, ofcourse everyone is. But surely celebrities bring it on themselves don't they? Celebrities had a choice of wanting this fame and adhering to it. Whilst Harry was born as a prince. It was in his blood to take that label and become what he was born into.

I didn't really want to focus on the seriousness of the program, you know the whole idea of killing other people etc and the Political side of things didn't appeal to me. War is wrong in my opinion. The UN get together to try and make peace treaties with one another when actually none of that matters, and if it does nothing is happening to avoid war, Afghanistan have been at war for a decade now, they have lost some, we've lost some. It's a win win, no?

I don't understand it to be honest, I don't think even the people on the front line get it either.
The brutality of war is the reality of conflict, why make things worse to resolve a problem, make it easier?
I don't think no one knows how to do that really? Maybe it's vengeance (this is when you say 'no shit')
yeah bottom line is...clap clap for Harry to be a Prince and wanting to avoid being considered as such a higher person than everyone else, even the way he talks, gets scrutinized for going against the 'expectations' of a prince, I love that. I mean he's basically saying 'fuck you' and that he wants to just do what he wants to do, he even admitted to not having a great education, he always failed in academia yet loved play station games...
however that was one thing that bugged me... he related COD to the current war. That was a no no.

Anyhow not to ponder on this jibber jabber..

I have received a conditional offer! Absolutely ecstatic, and made me really motivated you know?

Yeah enough. Good night.

Head full of questions

Oh what the heck, I just typed up something then deleted it again about 5 times.

Is it stupid to be emotional? Like is that something people would look at and see it as 'weak'.

Confidence strides from something right?

Is it the hurdles that people have taken determine what they become?

Perhaps people don't have time.

Judging is wrong, telling the truth isn't, right? 

What if your judgement is correct...so is the line above invalid?

Now I take it your puzzled

Why so poetic all of a sudden?

But does there need to be a reason behind everything though?

See..now I'm sure that line came across as 'rude' right? Take 'but' and 'though' out and it sounds half decent.

But what I want to know is do questions always need an answer?

If not, they why do we expect one.

Expectations lead to dissatisfaction

so maybe questions are then pointless?

The hypocrisy running throughout this 'poem' is revolting.

It's a never ending tyranny.

Confusing isn't it?

I sometimes confuse myself.

Being confused is when you can't think straight

Bewildered. Baffled. Bogus.

What do you care?

Do you care?

Do I care that you care?

Does it just sound silly now?

It was never a serious poem anyway right?

Or was it?

It was serious. It was all serious, all intended, planned and processed.

In contrast to my days.

The long ones, the ones where they drag. 

The short ones, when I'm cut off. 

The ones where it's smiles all round.

The ones where it's hard to smile.

Laughter, laughter, laughter.

Laughter doesn't mean anything, it's a reaction to what I see.

I laugh because what I see is extraordinary, different, normal, too normal sometimes.

Can you relate?

Perhaps you think it's bullshit

Maybe you think that because it's true.

Or are you struck.

Shocked?

Confused again?

Oh what a circle.