What's on my mind...

let me tell you.

I walk around these days, noticing fashion evolve into some crazy shit, most of it is dry and the rest is moist. But there's just one thing that gets on my tits. 

I sat on the train and everyone starts to stare at my hand. I had drawn a henna design the day before, and so yes there is a creative doodle on my hand which everyone ate with their eyes. I over heard a girl once talk to her bestie "oh my god, like they do this semi-permanent tattoo and i'm gonna get one like on my back, it's so sick and now "___" wants one too". Really? really? you ain't seen a henna tattoo before? 

Okay, so what? Henna tattoos are a thing and always have been since people love to get them especially on holiday. But my argument is...tradition has only just become noticed and then made into a trend.

Another example. Bindis. Now look, I have nothing against it and I'm not Hindu myself, it's just the idea of girls wearing them as an accessory. Perhaps no one gives a shit whether or not it stands as a fashion statement or a religious statement. But it's something to think about.

Rosary beads...now are they religious or do you wear them cos your boy Emz is rocking a glow in the dark one?

Different clothing brands also like to print Indian gods onto their garments as a means of looking hipster and cool. Now, there do you disagree or agree? 

I'm just waiting for the day that the queen rocks a diamond encrusted burqa, perhaps that'd stop me questioning semi-religious fashion statements. Who knows.

Do you ever step outside yourself

It's been 12 days and then it'll be 10 months.

I count days in my head because it's like my way of organising time. Distance is a feeling not just a noun. It's a period of time in which you release your energy in different ways.

When I become distant I don't express hatred because for me it's a period of freedom. But then comes a time when you sit. You sigh. You check your phone. Then wish to throw yourself into clear waters. 

My relationships with people..lol wut wait.  I only see it one way. If people want you, you'll know sooner than later. I don't do "later". 

Feelings grow yes. But it's the strength of feelings that matter. My feelings are nothing but strong which is why I find it hard to let all my energy out. At the moment my battery is recharging and I feel like a jack in the box, although I'm pushed inside and won't come out. I don't want to come out I've just had enough. Enough of spending time on people who you thought were honest. All I have given is honesty and in return I sit here writing a blog post about how I feel. 

Anyhow, Love and Hip Hop Atlanta awaits. 

It's Fathers Day

I loved this top as a five year old, I was a diva.

"You're dressed like a tramp" said Dad.
"Thanks, I get it from you" I replied.

Fathers Day.

See, I have never celebrated it. Not because that's a sign of hatred or self loathing, it's just I don't do it.
Even with Mothers Day. Yeah, the kids make a card and sign their names blah blah, but my names always absent.

I show my love for my mother in every situation that I can. Whether that be in appreciation for something, or helping her, or even talking to her with kind words. I think that's what means most to me. I value the little things not the big commercial present with a label attached and the price scribbled out. We all show our love/affection in our own ways.

Tough Love.

Have you heard of it? I believe everyone's relationship with their parents is personal. Extremely personal. Therefor nah, I won't tweet or instagram a happy family portrait to signify my love in a picture. What for? Likes? Comments? It's all a facade.

Perhaps you're reading this thinking "damn this is deep". Well yeah, of course it is?!

I can't wait to be a parent myself. It'll be that one chance to maybe hinder the experiences I have had, take the moments I've had, the things I have seen and felt towards my child. Towards bringing them up in this world in my way. To make them feel absolute happiness that I maybe crave for but fear.

Drawing a song!!!

This is my visual interpretation of a song called Forbidden Fruit by J.Cole. 

I produced it in a day with one BIC medium biro pen. Yes, it is very random isn't it. But I truly wanted to encapsulate the imagery in the song! 

So this is how my thought process bagan....

I first began drawing an outline of a tree, next I bagan to create swirls all of a sudden. Then I though *dang I hve to stick to this pattern*. Once the tree was drawn I thought *what the heck now?* 

My I-phone bagan to play "Simba" by J.Cole and then I thought... *wait wait...* 

And suddenly had the urge to draw the crown from his Born Sinner Album..soon after the Kanye glasses were drawn, then lips..juice...apples...Jesus peice...sperm...ovaries and the words "don't yell" and "K."

Of course, I'm not saying I have represented every lyric, however I did enjoy making it very much.

It's a total contrast to my original mark making technique, firstly I use pencils and secondly my use of line is to create a realistic piece. So, creating this illustration was a whole new ball game. 

Line here is created by avoiding touching other lines. The shapes are completely free form which reflects my mind as it becomes emersed in the song. (Sounds deep doesn't it?) well I think it is deep. 

After all that said and done, my next art peice shall be a side profile of a very good friend of mine. 

Stay tuned. 

Finishing my first year at uni

(Note: 23/05/2014)


Within the first year of uni, there were lots of expectations that I didn't think would come along with the experience.


I didn't think I would click with two friends I didn't think I would make friends as easily as I have. I didn't think I would build my wall of a career that doesn't really seem solid at the minute. I didn't think I would bump into people that may potentially be in the rest of my life. I didn't think I would be handling money the way I am now. I didn't think I would be laughing as hard or falling as hard as I have a few times within this year. I didn't think it would get so deep that I would shed a tear and I didn't think I would abandon people who actually meant something so strong.


As loud as I have been the entire year was so silent. In a sense that now, sitting on this burgundy leather sofa in Sainsbury’s I can hear everything getting louder. I can hear children crying, I can hear a middle age crisis but above all I can hear myself. I'm screaming "why” Why did I experience the things I have, and why to such an extent that I have grown so much. Not in height, but in my mind I feel so much wiser. I feel like the experience has made me tougher than ever before. I have lived away from my family, my own mother, the one woman who introduced me to the world. This world of terror. Absolute terror.


I don't write these thoughts down so that one day they can be published. I write them because I truly feel that my words speak louder than anything that I say. At times like this, I have spent so much time understanding, I have spent so much time listening, I have then contemplated 'doing' and well let's say this is my journey.


A chapter of my journey that is soaring through thick pages. The pages are getting heavier and I'm getting tired. I just hope that something comes along and motivates me. I have a fire but it's not bright enough. "Hell is hot and fire is proven" words of Kendrick Lamar.


Yeah well, I'm feeling the fire, so I guess I was born on Mars.

My motivation is going up and down

Okay time-out.

Let me just switch my phone off and think for a second.

I don't communicate well when I feel things getting on top of me. So I believe the best way to deliver my thoughts is to just write on here.

I have been through many applications and interviews lately, specifically within the journalism spectrum but I just have this feeling. Like, this feeling of not getting it. I don't care if you're rolling your eyes as you read this but I help the way I feel right now. Opportunities are endless, yeah..well so is disappointment. I mean, I know that's part of the journey to success. You're supposed to fail continuously until you reach that level of content. But, it's so much to handle. I have my mind set on just getting a position, somewhere, I don't give a bollocks if there's money or no money.

"I used to care about money until I realised money doesn't care about me." - Skepta

Yeah, I just read that on my twitter feed. It's so accurate for me right now.
I don't even know where I will be living next year.
I don't know where I want to go with my degree.
I don't know who's supporting me and who's not.

That's the confusion I feel right now.

I went for an interview yesterday and I was asked if I have a blog. I answered yes. Referring to my other blog which I use as a platform to showcase my work at university. Of course I know I should expand on it more. But, really? I am so indecisive. It takes time for my mind to settle for something.

Right now, I know I can't wright. I just know I can't. Even the people yesterday said my title ideas weren't so captivating yet the content sounds like it has potential.

Well...what the fuck does that mean. Just tell me i'm shit and i'll be gone with the wind. (fabulous).

My writing style isn't for the elite. It's just how I write. I write how I want to.
And if I feel incredibly passionate about something I write even better.

So what the heck. Lord knows where I am going with this right now. But I just want to get it right. I just want someone to finally realise "fuck, she's serious".