Finishing my first year at uni

(Note: 23/05/2014)


Within the first year of uni, there were lots of expectations that I didn't think would come along with the experience.


I didn't think I would click with two friends I didn't think I would make friends as easily as I have. I didn't think I would build my wall of a career that doesn't really seem solid at the minute. I didn't think I would bump into people that may potentially be in the rest of my life. I didn't think I would be handling money the way I am now. I didn't think I would be laughing as hard or falling as hard as I have a few times within this year. I didn't think it would get so deep that I would shed a tear and I didn't think I would abandon people who actually meant something so strong.


As loud as I have been the entire year was so silent. In a sense that now, sitting on this burgundy leather sofa in Sainsbury’s I can hear everything getting louder. I can hear children crying, I can hear a middle age crisis but above all I can hear myself. I'm screaming "why” Why did I experience the things I have, and why to such an extent that I have grown so much. Not in height, but in my mind I feel so much wiser. I feel like the experience has made me tougher than ever before. I have lived away from my family, my own mother, the one woman who introduced me to the world. This world of terror. Absolute terror.


I don't write these thoughts down so that one day they can be published. I write them because I truly feel that my words speak louder than anything that I say. At times like this, I have spent so much time understanding, I have spent so much time listening, I have then contemplated 'doing' and well let's say this is my journey.


A chapter of my journey that is soaring through thick pages. The pages are getting heavier and I'm getting tired. I just hope that something comes along and motivates me. I have a fire but it's not bright enough. "Hell is hot and fire is proven" words of Kendrick Lamar.


Yeah well, I'm feeling the fire, so I guess I was born on Mars.